Please Don't Compliment Me

I want to start this post by saying that this isn't directed toward any certain person or certain event. Please understand that I greatly appreciate the support and encouragement that we receive from our family and friends.  Lately I have been dealing with the following emotions and I really just wanted to express them.  I am certain I am not the only foster parent that has had these feelings and it is my guess that there are people who do other hard jobs that have had similar feelings.  

Over the past several months I have found it hard to deal with compliments.  It often feels like people are going overboard with the things they say regarding our kids.  I know that when someone says "I just don't know how you can be a foster parent.  You guys are amazing" I should be flattered and appreciate that they feel I'm doing a good job.  However most often my thoughts and feelings go something like this:

• Yes being a foster parent is one of my many super powers (notice the dripping sarcasm)
• You have no idea what your talking about.  I've already lost my cool 3 times and its barely 9am
• Would you like to know the secret of how we do it?  There is ample crying, praying, doubting, second guessing, arguing, and lots and lots of serenity prayer reciting.
• Are you kidding?  My child ate dry cereal for breakfast, looks homeless because I didn't have the energy to fight with her to get her hair done, and oh yeah she's wearing mismatched socks because I haven't had time to fold and I literally handed her the first two socks that I found in a basket of wrinkled cloths.
• You realize we are just parents right?  We are the same as any other sleep deprived, stressed out couple with small children.

And the feeling that is the hardest to deal with:

• Please don't call me amazing because when you mention how amazing foster parents are all I can think of is my many faults and how other foster parents probably are amazing and my poor kids drew the short straw and have to put up with me.  

Now don't get me wrong.  I appreciate the fact that people realize what a struggle our situation is.  It is so very hard to parent a child when you are parenting as a "team" with someone from the state who has lots of regulations to up hold, birth parents who are not always cooperative, a judge, CASA worker (who is wonderful but this team is getting crowded), multiple lawyers representing numerous different parties, and all of the helpful people around you who want to tell you how you should parent.  It is nice to hear someone acknowledge that being a foster parent is tough.  Its even nice once in a while to hear someone say, "What your doing for your kids is awesome."  But it is a struggle to hear people praise what I am doing when I feel that I'm barely swimming through this crazy journey.

And there is a crazy irrational thought hidden in all of this.  Years ago I knew of a family that would talk about how they had "saved" the kids they had adopted from foster care.  From my perspective it seemed that they had taken these kids in for the wrong reasons.  They seemed to have done it for the glory (which I have yet to find in this craziness).  After their children were grown I heard that they regretted adopting and I have this crazy irrational fear that if I accept compliments from others that I too will take the glory but in the end regret the children we have cared for and I absolutely don't want that.

I know that this has seemed somewhat whiny because in explaining my struggle with compliments it kind of looks like I hate being a foster mom.  That is not at all true.  I feel very much that God led us to this crazy path and I know that we are on this journey for a reason.  I love my kids and feel blessed to be part of their lives and have them a part of ours.  But its still hard.  Even on days that go well and are meltdown free there are little things to remind me that our situation is different from others.  The moments where the statement MY MOM gets emphasized in an effort to remind me that I am not as good as the original are still difficult to swallow.  So if we are ever talking and you mention our foster journey and my response doesn't seem quite as genuine or appreciative of your praise as it should please understand that it isn't because I don't appreciate what you have said, just know that some day's its hard to feel that what I'm doing is any different than what any other frazzled parent is doing.

Bruises

One of my very favorite songs is Bruises by Train and Ashley Monroe.  I guess I just really identify with it.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LmXaaEvnnOQ

If you aren't familiar with the song you should follow the link and listen to it.  The chorus goes,

"These bruises make for better conversation
Loses the vibe that separates
It's good to let you in again
You're not alone in how you've been
Everybody loses, we all got bruises
We all got bruises"

Lately I've been feeling very bruised.  I think for all of us the feeling comes and goes.  And I don't necessarily feel bruises that are new.  Many of my bruises are more like deep tissue injuries. They have been there for a long time and will probably be there for a long time to come.  Sometimes they don't bother me much.  I can go about my life and function without issue.  Then suddenly an old bruise will get bumped, often in a very small way, and all of the hurt and pain comes rushing back.  

I have found myself more than once on my knees pleading with my Father in Heaven to take away the pain of my bruises and desperately asking him why I had to sustain those bruises in the first place. Although I know He has a perfect plan, it is so hard to accept that it is perfect when I can only see a few pixels in a huge picture.  

I have a friend who has bruises similar to mine and I often look at her courage and wonder how she does it.  I see her pain at times but I also see the strength she has to pull herself up and proceed on a path that at times must seem impossible.  

Over the past few days one of my deepest most painful bruises has begun to throb.  It always does this time of year.  I have known for months this was coming but was hoping that this year with all of the changes in our lives that the pain would not be as sharp.  I am finding though that the pain has not changed.  

And this year we have added an extra pain.  My grandpa's health is failing and he has entered hospice care.  I found myself last night questioning God, asking him why he has put so much pain into my Christmas season.  A time to celebrate and praise Him for the birth of His Son our Lord and Savior, has for me, been a struggle for the past 7 Christmas seasons.  Then last night at church we sang the song Farther Along.  

"Tempted and tried we're oft made to wonder

Why it should be thus all the day long
While there are others living about us
Never molested though in the wrong

Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
Cheer up my brother live in the sunshine
We'll understand it all by and by

When death has come and taken our loved ones
It leaves our home so lonely and drear
And then do we wonder why others prosper
Living so wicked year after year

When we see Jesus coming in glory
When he comes down from his home in the sky
Then we shall meet him in that bright mansion
We'll understand it all by and by

Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
Cheer up my brother live in the sunshine
We'll understand it all by and by

Yeah we'll understand it all by and by"

The message of this song struck me in a stronger way than it ever has in the past.  The verse that speaks of death coming and taking our loved ones had tears welling up in my eyes.  In a season of birth and joy the loss of loved ones seems to have an extra sting.  Not knowing day by day when I will receive that call that my grandpa has left this earth seems to have parked a big gray cloud over the top of me.  Trying to "cheer up my brother live in the sunshine" has seemed impossible many days recently.  

For most of my life I have turned to music in times of sadness and frustration.  In recent years I have turned to gospel music more than I ever had in the past.  I have tired to also turn to the bible but many times I struggle to turn to the bible because my pain urges me to turn away from, not toward, the Lord.  But as I turned to the bible this weekend I found this passage. 

Psalm 23:4-6

Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

I never thought of this verse as one that would comfort me at this time but it hit me in a way that I had never considered before.  There are times that we have to walk the the dark valleys.  But I can't say that it has necessarily comforted me.  It has almost made me angry.  Why must we walk in that dark valley?  And why must my dark valley be a valley of loss?  Why must my dark valley require me to travel emotionally secluded from those I love and need the most?

I have no answers to these questions.  But I do know that only though prayer, bible study and careful soul searching will I ever understand.  And I thank my Father in Heaven for giving me the understanding to know where to find answers even when the journey to those answers is painful and difficult.  

"I would love to fix it all for you
I would love to fix you too
Please don't fix a thing whatever you do"

Praying for "her"

²⁷ “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, ²⁸ bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. ²⁹ If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. ³⁰ Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. ³¹ Do to others as you would have them do to you." -Luke 6:27-31 NIV

One night at PRIDE training we were discussing family of origin and how to talk about a child's family. One of the experienced foster parents talked about never saying anything negative about a child's family.  She gave examples of children who asked her specifically, "Do you hate my mom?" She gave examples of answers to the question such as, "No I don't hate your mom.  She has made some bad choices that I don't like but she has done good things too.  She brought you into the world."  Or, "I'm thankful for your mom because without her I wouldn't have you."  I sat through this class wondering how I could ever look at a child who has come into my home because of his/her parents bad choices and say "no I don't hate your mom."  All I could think of is how hard it would be not to say things like "your mom is terrible and does stupid things and yes I hate her."  Ever since we took PRIDE I have struggled with this idea.  How could I ever watch my tongue and not degrade the family that has abused/neglected/traumatized the child in my care.

So fast forward a few months.  We have taken in two sets of respite care children whom we had in our home for just a weekend.  Other than the fact that both weekends were pure chaos it was pretty easy.  The respite kids come from other foster homes so you never really deal with birth families or any court/appointment/visit issues.  Its just an extended sleep over. 

Then last week we got our first "real" placement.  Obviously I have to be pretty vague about the details but we had two children placed in our care fairly late at night after their mom was arrested.  That first night we had almost no information and were lead to believe that we would only have them in our home for a few days.  But as the first few days progressed we began to learn that we will likely have these children in our home for a little more than a "few" days.  The first night that we sat down together for dinner we joined in prayer.  This is normal for us but obviously wasn't super normal for the little people. As we bowed our heads, holding hands for the first time as a family I began to pray.  It is not very often that I feel a prayer come from the depths of my soul but this prayer certainly did.  I thanked God for the children being in our home.  I prayed that we would all get along well and be able to help each other on our journey.  And then something made its way into my prayer that surprised me even as I was saying it.  I prayed for their mom.  I prayed that God would comfort her and that He would assure her that her children were safe and well cared for.  I prayed that He would bring peace and comfort to her heart.  Through and through that was the prayer of my heart.  I genuinely wanted God to do all of those things for her.  This woman whom I had never met, who's story I barely knew aside from knowing of some bad choices she had made, was suddenly taking up a place in my heart. 

Just a few days after the kids were placed with us I took them to a hearing.  And I met their mom.  That was another thing I said I didn't think I could ever do.  They talk about meeting birth families in PRIDE training and I said multiple times that I wasn't comfortable meeting the child's family and I told Jeremy that when kids in our care had visits or appointments involving their parents we would just ask the social worker to take the child.  But I knew from the moment that we knew about the hearing that I needed to take the kids.  God calmed my heart and I never once, leading up to the hearing, had doubts about meeting their mom.

As a quick side note, if you ever have a court hearing to attend and plan to have small children with you, arriving 20 minutes early with limited ways to entertain the children is not a great idea.  I now know though that the clerk for Judge Murray can give some pretty nasty looks.

Once the hearing got started I sat back in the "audience" section.  (I've never actually been in a court room for a real court proceeding so I didn't have a clue what was going to happen.)  Every thing was pretty short and sweet and in total it probably only lasted 15 or 20 minutes.  Through the entire proceeding though I had to hold back tears and some pretty strong emotions.  These weren't tears for me, and they weren't even tears for the very bewildered 5 year old sitting a few rows ahead of me.  These were tears and sadness for this mother in front of me.  This mother who, despite making some terrible decisions, obviously loved her children.  This mother who had tears streaming down her face as she told the judge that she understood that the children were in my home because it was the safest place for them.  This mother who couldn't hide the guilt or pain on her face when her 5 year old began asking questions that seemed impossible to answer.  This mother who held so tightly to her two children when she was told to give them one last hug because she had to return to the jail.  My heart genuinely was breaking for her and the pain that was so visibly reflected in her entire person.  And my heart broke for her two sweet babies who had questions that I didn't know how to answer any better than she did.  And my heart has continued to break as we have fielded questions of "where is my mommy", "when can I see my mommy" and the comments of "I'll just go get arrested so I can live with my mom" and "I love MY mom". 

We continue to pray for her every night with the kids at dinner.  I pray for her in my personal prayers and in our prayers as a couple she is included.  There are moments where I still want to say negative things.  There are times when I have very negative thoughts against this mother who has made decisions that boggle my mind.  There are times where I have very selfish thoughts about these children in my home and what "I think" would be best for them.  But so far I have been able to find my way back to that place where I am praying for her.

I am so thankful to God for bringing me to a place where I have been able to be open to His guidance and able to feel for this other woman that I assumed I would hate.  I am also so thankful to Him for bringing children into our home that came from a situation that I am able to "handle" on my own personal level.  I can't lie to myself.  I know that if these children had been removed for other reasons or if they had come into our home with other problems I may not have been able to follow the promptings He has laid on my heart allowing me to feel this way.

A Church Full of Sin and Greif

Tonight there was a special program at church with a really large turn out.  Jeremy and I were running a little late so when we got there we ended up sitting in a different spot than we normally do.  During part of the program they were talking about taking your sins and burdens to the Lord.  They spoke of our walk with Jesus and the fact that he will never give up on us but we have to choose to turn to him. 

I started looking around the church at all the people that were present.  My eyes were opened to see everyone in a different light.  On either side of me sat men who obviously had tobacco in their pockets.  Across from me was a woman who lost her husband just two short weeks ago.  A few rows behind her sat a grandfather whose family lost a granddaughter and her husband yesterday in a motorcycle accident and are dealing with that sorrow as well as the new challenge of raising the couples two young children.  Just a few seats down from him sat a man who was fidgeting with a coin as he does each time I see him at church.  I have no idea what time frame that coin represents or even if it is the same coin each time I see him.  In front of me sat a little boy struggling to understand why God would allow his body to get sick when he eats a cookie. In my seat sat a woman who deals with deep heartache and longing for God to put a child in her home and a difficulty controlling the urge to snap inappropriately in anger.  Next to me sat a man with the same heartache for a child.  These are just a few of the people that we sat in church with tonight.  Many of the people in attendance I barely know or don't know at all.  I believe that if each of us had a sign on our chest declaring our sins, addictions, griefs, and sorrows we would be surprised what those around us are going through.

I didn't make these observations in order to judge those that I listed above.  It was just this moment where God let a light shine down to open my eyes.  Yes the woman sitting in my seat is dealing with some sins and sorrows right now that are sometimes hard to cope with.  Yes there are days where she just doesn't know how she can ever get through these things.  But everyone is fighting their own battle. Some with battles that I cannot even imagine.  Each one of us struggles day to day with sins, trials, and sorrows that God had placed in our path.  If we choose to turn to him and hand our trials to him he will bear our burdens and guide us through each and every trial that we will allow him to guide us through. 

                    Proverbs 3:5-6
                    Trust in the Lord with all your heart                    and lean not on your own understanding;
                    in all your ways submit to him,
                    and he will make your paths straight. NIV

I have read this scripture several times in my life but over the past six months or so this has become one of the most powerful scriptures that I know.

When I trust in the Lord, my Lord, my Jesus, and submit everything to him while in prayer and in my heart he will guide me though all things.  It is so easy to lean on our own understanding.  So many times I catch myself making my own plans, deciding that I know best which route I should take in my life.  But when I do that, and I walk away from the path God has for me I find that I do not know better and my journey becomes difficult and most times very painful. 

God's path for me will not be free of pain and trials, I will still face temptations, but if I lean on Him and trust in Him giving him the reins He will lead my on the path that has been set for me and He will heal and comfort me as I face those trials and heartaches that each of us is destined to face in our lives. 

Would you be free from your burden of sin?
There's power in the blood, power in the blood
Would you o'er evil the victory win?
There's wonderful power in the blood

There is power, power, wonder-working power
In the blood of the Lamb
There is power, power, wonder-working power
In the precious blood of the Lamb

By the Grace of God

So this blog has been on my heart for about a month now.  About a month ago the message at church was surrounding Ephesians 2:8.  It turns out that this is a scripture that most Christians are very familiar with.  I'll be honest though, I don't know as I've ever noticed this passage before.  First of all Grace is a concept that I didn't understand at all prior to 3 ish years ago and now I still don't have a good grasp on Grace and how it works.  When I was growing up Grace was explained to me in a different way than it has been since I started attending the 4C's. 

Ephesians 2:8
    For it is by Grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-

My understanding of Grace for most of my life is kind of hard to explain because really I just didn't understand it at all.  I knew that we were saved by God's Grace though the crucifixion of Jesus Christ but that's about all.  I believed that I could fall in and out of Grace dependent on my actions and my worthiness for God's love.  To put it simply I believed that Grace was given IF my works were deserving.  I fully believed that in this life everything I was doing was either earning my way to heaven or putting black marks on my scorecard.  Jesus love was there for the taking IF I could just be good enough, and I am my own worst critic so I never felt good enough.  I guess I really saw God's Grace as his willingness to let Christ die for my sins.  From there I really believed that salvation was earned.  And although this is a totally different topic John 3:16 didn't mean much to me either.  I have learned more recently that once I confess faith in Christ I am covered by God's Grace and Christ's saving atonement.  Now that doesn't mean that I stood in front of the church, prayed the sinners prayer and went on being the same person, full of sin, with no repentance.  But it does mean that God will not un-love me and Christ will not un-save me just because I trip and fall and sin. 

So after the message on this passage I had lots of warm fuzzy feelings because every time I learn the basics of the Bible I get the warm and fuzzys because that's where I am spiritually...basic.  However just one week from that message I had a bit of a meltdown and said to Jeremy, "I can't be a good Christian, I guess I just won't be saved."  My wonderful loving husband, who I'm sure at the time would much rather have dropped me off at the side of the road and returned home alone,  just looked at me and said, "Your already saved, you can't be unsaved."  It is still hard for me to understand the far reaching power of God's Grace. 

In the past couple of weeks as I have been praying on this passage, this blog, and some of the struggles I am facing a few different songs have come to my mind that help me to remember that God loves me, even when I mess up, even when I doubt, He still loves me. 

              Who Am I by Casting Crowns
                      "Who am I that the Lord of all the earth would care to know my name,
                      "Would care to feel my hurt"...
                     "Not because of who I am but because of what You've done,
                       Not because of what I've done but because of who You are."...
                       "I am Yours"

               Amazing Grace
                      "Amazing Grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me,
                        I once was lost but now am found was blind but now I see.
                        Was Grace that taught my heart to fear and Grace my fears relieved,
                        How precious did that Grace appear the hour I first believed.
                       When we've been there ten thousand years, bright shining as the sun
                        We've no less days to sing God's praise then when we first begun."

How grateful I am for God's love, His Grace, and the sacrifice of His Son so that one day I will stand again in the courts of Heaven and be in the presence of my God.

Dealing with a tough weekend

This blog is very near and dear to my heart.  There is a very raw hurt that I express in this blog.  However to all of my friends who are celebrating mothers day with their families today know that I love you and am so thankful for the examples you have set for me.  Although I have had a few pity parties for myself I do not hold hurtful feelings toward my friends who are blessed with little ones.  In fact I am ever so thankful for the opportunities I have had to be part of your lives and part of the lives of your beautiful families.  

Yesterday while I was walking from a doctors office back to work I started preparing myself for church.  You see this weekend is my least favorite weekend of the whole year to attend church.  There are so many parts of this weekend that make it a tough time to attend church.  There is of course the awkwardness of the flowers that seem to always be given to mothers at the end of the service.  I would prefer not to have a flower given to me.  The gesture is very sweet but it seems like a lie to me.  The flowers are passed out to the mothers and yet here I am, very much not a mother, carrying a flower out to my car.  And it almost feels like a pity gift. "We know that you aren't a mother but we feel bad and don't want to leave you out so here's a flower".  I know the intent is good but its just awkward on my end.
Then there is the message itself.  The mothers day message is always beautiful however it is tough to listen to someone speak of the blessings and responsibilities of motherhood while I am sitting in my pew feeling the intense stabbing of pain stemming from my empty arms and so many unanswered prayers for motherhood.  Most pastors or speakers include a few sentences in their message about all women being nurturers and even if they are not raising children they are making an impact in the lives of children around them.  Its a nice gesture but as someone who has sat through several of these services it just feels patronizing.
I realize that this all sounds very bitter and in a way it is.  Although I know that I have been able to impact others children and have been able to be a part of nurturing them I don't feel comfort in the fact that this is my "mothering role".  And honestly I have had to work for several years to find a place where I can accept that God's plan for my role as a mother will be just as beautiful as the plan I had for myself.
It turned out that this year Jeremy and I did not make it to church for the mothers day service because he hasn't been feeling well and we didn't want to risk him spreading his germs to everyone.  But as I was thinking about the pain that I have felt and the long journey that I am still on to accept the plan that He has set for me I realized that this is one of the pains that I need to lay at His feet and rely on Him to comfort and heal my broken heart.
Over the last year or so I have been really working toward having a closer, stronger relationship with Christ and I have learned that His words can be so touching and comforting at times that I feel nothing can comfort me.  I wanted to share several of the scripture passages that have been a comfort to me in the past few weeks in a hope that someone who is struggling, even if their struggle is night and day different from mine, would also gain comfort and strength to rely on the Lord for healing of their heart.

Psalm 37:7
Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass. 
In our study bible the footnote to this verse explains that this is not a call to stop trying and do nothing but rather a call to place our lives in His hands and depend on him for all of our daily needs.  I have been touched by this passage because patience isn't my thing.  I want results and I want them now.  I am working, and learning and stumbling every day and I strive to place my life in his hands and allow him to guide me rather than expecting that he should agree with my plans and lead me down my planned path.

Romans 5:1-5
Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: by whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and eperience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. 
Having faith we have peace with God.  That is pretty powerful.  I am a worrier.  I worry about EVERYTHING.  But this passage reminds me that I do have peace with God because of my faith in Him and His Son.  That does not mean that I won't face trials that have the potential to break me but if I lean on Him those trials will build patience in my life and through these experiences I be able to build hope.

The last scripture that I found as a comfort this weekend is 2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted by God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.  
Jesus knows my suffering because my sin and pain caused his pain during the Crucifixion.   He and He alone can wrap his arms around me and say "I know exactly what you are going through and how much pain is in your heart."  And he alone can make me whole again by wrapping me in his love.

He is there if you just pay attention

This past week in church the message came from Luke 24.  Its a passage I have read several times but for some reason it hit me in a way it has never hit me in the past.  It has been on my heart and mind since and it seems that in the past few days I have come across several other scriptures and stories that have fit right in.  There is so much wonderful teaching in this chapter and I know that I will be unable to do it justice but as I write this I pray that God will send His message through my writing so that others may be touched by His word and love.

        Now that same day two of them were going to a village called Emmaus, about seven miles from Jerusalem.  They were talking with each other about everything that had happened.  As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; but they were kept from recognizing him.

 He asked them, “What are you discussing together as you walk along?”

They stood still, their faces downcast. One of them, named Cleopas, asked him, “Are you the only one visiting Jerusalem who does not know the things that have happened there in these days?”

 “What things?” he asked.

“About Jesus of Nazareth,” they replied. “He was a prophet, powerful in word and deed before God and all the people.  The chief priests and our rulers handed him over to be sentenced to death, and they crucified him; but we had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem Israel. And what is more, it is the third day since all this took place.  In addition, some of our women amazed us. They went to the tomb early this morning  but didn’t find his body. They came and told us that they had seen a vision of angels, who said he was alive.  Then some of our companions went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said, but they did not see Jesus.”  Luke 24 13-24 NIV

This passage hit me in many ways.  Most profoundly though it made me think of how we often feel left alone and neglected in times of grief.  Pastor David talked about how those who believed in Christ believed that He was there to save Israel.  Although He had taught them of the plan they didn't really understand.  When He was crucified they were confused and didn't understand what was happening.  So often I think we find ourselves in a similar place.  When a loved one is diagnosed with cancer of some other terrible illness we often pray that Jesus will send healing to them.  And sometimes He does that in this life and they receive treatments and go on to spend many more years with us.  But sometimes their healing come when they stand at His throne in heaven.  It is hard to accept the loss of a loved one and I know for myself at times that I have prayed so hard for healing and then that person was taken to heaven I felt like God had let me down.  I felt that He had chose not to answer my prayers and in some way had turn his back on me.  And it isn't just in the death of someone we had hoped would be healed.  When we pray for a new job, or we pray to be relieved of a heavy burden, or pray to have one of the desires of our heart met and those prayers are not answered exactly like we feel that they should be we can often feel like God had forgotten us or maybe we feel that He doesn't think we are worthy of what we have prayed for.  I love that the two disciples that Jesus was talking with reiterate this story to him in this way.  In addition, some of our women amazed us. They went to the tomb early this morning  but didn’t find his body. They came and told us that they had seen a vision of angels, who said he was alive.  Then some of our companions went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said, but they did not see Jesus.  In this passage what I hear is two men, who when the women came and reported the empty tomb, saw the explanation for the events that did not follow the course as they had thought it would.  They thought that this was the aha moment in the sadness they had been experiencing.  but then other disciples go to the tomb and although they don't find His body they also don't find the living Jesus.  And you can feel the pain in this statement. 

A frequent saying among believers is "everything happens for a reason."  And I think often as soon as a prayer is not answered in the way we want it to be we begin searching for "the reason."  This is a silly story but it very much illustrates the point here.  This past summer I flew from Idaho Falls to Grand Forks to attend the wedding of one of my dear friends from college.  Jeremy was unable to go with me so I went on my own.  The wedding was on Saturday and I spent Sunday with another friend and then was to fly back home Monday morning at 0500.  I scheduled a cab to pick me up at 0330 and I set two different alarms.  The first alarm went off at 0245 and I shut it off knowing that the next alarm would ring 15 minutes later.  When I woke up next it wasn't to my alarm.  I rolled over in a panic knowing that I had overslept.  It was five minutes to 0500.  There was no way to even be at the airport in 5 minutes let alone be able to board as I knew that all the passengers were already on the plane.  I was hysterical.  I called the airport but got no answer.  I called Delta customer service and was informed that because I had missed my plane by personal fault and not an act of God or the fault of Delta there was nothing they would do for me.  I was stuck in Grand Forks and in order to fly home I would have to buy a brand new ticket which was out of the financial question.  After talking to Jeremy and my dad and every car rental company in the Grand Forks area I found a car to rent and made the decision to drive home.  As I was picking up the car I was talking to Jeremy on the phone and made the comment "I better hear about a plane crash on the news because otherwise I'm going to be mad about missing this flight for a long time."  That is a terrible thing to say.  Hoping that others were hurt just so my oversleeping could make sense.  But I think that is often how we look at our trials and our unanswered prayers.  We want to know right now what the reason is for the circumstances that we are in.  In so many circumstances though I don't think we are meant to understand and frequently we never know.  Even now as I struggle with one of the trials God has handed to Jeremy and I, I often find myself trying to find the reason, trying to figure out how all the pieces are going to fall together and how things will be "better" in God's plan then they are in my "perfect" plan.  Its as thought I am trying to find an excuse for God upsetting my plan.  But when I reflect and am honest with myself I know that God doesn't need excuses. Some day when it is my turn to stand at His throne I will be able to see the perfect beauty in His plan and I will be able to feel the fullness of His joy.  
And this is how I think these disciples felt.  They felt that they had understood the plan and then it went much much different then they were expecting.  They were hurt and grieving and grasping at straws to maintain their faith.  

 As they approached the village to which they were going, Jesus continued on as if he were going farther. But they urged him strongly, “Stay with us, for it is nearly evening; the day is almost over.” So he went in to stay with them.

 When he was at the table with them, he took bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them.  Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight.  They asked each other, “Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us? Luke 24: 28-32 NIV

These verses leave me thinking just how much Jesus loves us.  And He blesses us when we invite him.  I have no idea why these two disciples were "kept from recognizing" Jesus.  I don't know if God did this purposefully to teach them or if their grief and shaken faith were keeping them from seeing Jesus.  Jesus had basically spent the prior several versus with these men who were obviously doubting everything they thought they knew from his teachings.  And so often He stands by us as we complain about our lives, complain about the trials he has given to us and we walk right past many of the blessings that He has put in our lives without acknowledging or appreciating them.  But when we hit that point that we realize how much we need Him and we hit our knees there He is, He is with us and ready to bless us when we are ready to accept it.  Something wonderful that was said at church is "There is nothing we can do to make Jesus love us any less."  We can turn away from him and by doing that block ourselves from some of the blessings that He would send to us but that wall is put up by us and can be brought down by us through repentance and prayer.  

Through my study of this chapter, my prayers for guidance in writing this blog and my morning prayers and meditations I have really come to focus on the fact that Jesus loves me.  He knows that I doubt and He knows that I will get lost more often they I want to admit.  But when I make the effort to return to Him and live a life that reflects the love He has for me He will bless me in countless ways and many ways that I may not understand until I stand at His throne in heaven.