I am a little late with this post because I was struggling with what to focus on this week. But as I reviewed this chapter that we covered in church last week it began to be clear what God was putting on my heart.
John 15:9-11
As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.
This verse, and this whole chapter speak volumes on love. And in a way it is a chapter that I have had a very hard time understanding. Throughout my life I have had many many difficult times when I felt that this specific passage was sealing my fate of not making it to heaven. As humans we make mistakes and we falter. To quote one of my current favorite songs, "I've fallen down from grace a few too many times." In times that I was struggling with sin this passage, which states that Jesus loves us as the Father loves Him, was distressing. I felt that because I was not keeping His commandments 100% of the time without faltering He would be unable to love me. Of course I was familiar with the concept of repentance but I have often thought to myself, "well, this is it. I've messed up too much, He isn't going to let this one go. I've ran out of chances. How could Jesus ever love a mess like me."
John 15:13
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
With the above feelings in mind this scripture was also hard for me. I tended to take it one of two ways. I would either feel absolutely guilty because Jesus died for a loser like me, or I would decide that He obviously left me out of His atonement because I was such a horrible sinner and therefore, because I wan't covered by His atonement, meaning His death was not for me, I was not His friend.
John 15:14-17
You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other.
So here is what I have learned and felt as I read and pondered this chapter and as I have grown as a Christian. JESUS LOVES ME. Sin happens, and He knows that I will not be able to follow every commandment all of the time. He knows I will fall, He knows that I will sometimes make terrible decisions. But following His command is not perfection. Following His commands is something that has to be done everyday. And sometimes at the end of the day following the Lords command also means hitting your knees, confessing your sins, and using His atonement. Then the next morning after starting your day off on your knees and asking for His support and guidance you go forth and strive to follow His path just a little straighter then you did the day before. And all of that makes this passage so much sweeter. When I am striving to follow His commandments and I have a close relationship with God that includes heartfelt prayers and true confession of my sins with effort to follow Him more closely everyday then Jesus is my friend and he loves me. Even in all my faults He loves me. He CHOSE me. And through His awesome love I will have joy, COMPLETE JOY.
It is all about the love. So I want to share a story with you. I have been feeling really horrible about myself lately because I have not been being the best mother to my boys. I lose my temper a lot, have no patience, spanked them, which I always told myself I was never going to do, yelled & said some things I shouldn't have because I was angry... Anyhow I'd been praying for help for a while & it just seemed like I just kept being worse which kept making me feel even more awful about myself. I'd talked to the Bishop & still felt like I was getting no where. I kept thinking I must really be a horrible person because I'd been praying for help & felt like I was getting nothing, but more crap to deal with. I felt like He must hate me cause He kept throwing things at me, causing more stress, but not giving me any help in the process. I was trying to do all the things I should because I know God won't do all the work, & won't help u if u don't try helping yourself. Well, finaly not too long ago I had like a mini break down or something. I just prayed & cried for a long time, apologizing for not being the mother that I should to those precious spirits He sent down to me to care for, & not being the person that I should be, & asking for help & forgiveness. I apparently had not been coming to Him with a broken enough heart & contrite spirit until then or something because since that day I have felt so much better, & have been better. I'm still not the best mom in the world all the time, but I'm working on it. God does love u, He loves every one of His children. He knows Satan is a crafty pain in the butt, & we are all going to succumb once in a while. That is why we have the atonement. He wants us to repent & come unto Him. He loves us all so much He sent His only begotten son to die for us so that we have a way to return to Him. No matter how many mistakes u make, He loves u & wants u to return to Him.
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