He is there if you just pay attention

This past week in church the message came from Luke 24.  Its a passage I have read several times but for some reason it hit me in a way it has never hit me in the past.  It has been on my heart and mind since and it seems that in the past few days I have come across several other scriptures and stories that have fit right in.  There is so much wonderful teaching in this chapter and I know that I will be unable to do it justice but as I write this I pray that God will send His message through my writing so that others may be touched by His word and love.

        Now that same day two of them were going to a village called Emmaus, about seven miles from Jerusalem.  They were talking with each other about everything that had happened.  As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; but they were kept from recognizing him.

 He asked them, “What are you discussing together as you walk along?”

They stood still, their faces downcast. One of them, named Cleopas, asked him, “Are you the only one visiting Jerusalem who does not know the things that have happened there in these days?”

 “What things?” he asked.

“About Jesus of Nazareth,” they replied. “He was a prophet, powerful in word and deed before God and all the people.  The chief priests and our rulers handed him over to be sentenced to death, and they crucified him; but we had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem Israel. And what is more, it is the third day since all this took place.  In addition, some of our women amazed us. They went to the tomb early this morning  but didn’t find his body. They came and told us that they had seen a vision of angels, who said he was alive.  Then some of our companions went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said, but they did not see Jesus.”  Luke 24 13-24 NIV

This passage hit me in many ways.  Most profoundly though it made me think of how we often feel left alone and neglected in times of grief.  Pastor David talked about how those who believed in Christ believed that He was there to save Israel.  Although He had taught them of the plan they didn't really understand.  When He was crucified they were confused and didn't understand what was happening.  So often I think we find ourselves in a similar place.  When a loved one is diagnosed with cancer of some other terrible illness we often pray that Jesus will send healing to them.  And sometimes He does that in this life and they receive treatments and go on to spend many more years with us.  But sometimes their healing come when they stand at His throne in heaven.  It is hard to accept the loss of a loved one and I know for myself at times that I have prayed so hard for healing and then that person was taken to heaven I felt like God had let me down.  I felt that He had chose not to answer my prayers and in some way had turn his back on me.  And it isn't just in the death of someone we had hoped would be healed.  When we pray for a new job, or we pray to be relieved of a heavy burden, or pray to have one of the desires of our heart met and those prayers are not answered exactly like we feel that they should be we can often feel like God had forgotten us or maybe we feel that He doesn't think we are worthy of what we have prayed for.  I love that the two disciples that Jesus was talking with reiterate this story to him in this way.  In addition, some of our women amazed us. They went to the tomb early this morning  but didn’t find his body. They came and told us that they had seen a vision of angels, who said he was alive.  Then some of our companions went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said, but they did not see Jesus.  In this passage what I hear is two men, who when the women came and reported the empty tomb, saw the explanation for the events that did not follow the course as they had thought it would.  They thought that this was the aha moment in the sadness they had been experiencing.  but then other disciples go to the tomb and although they don't find His body they also don't find the living Jesus.  And you can feel the pain in this statement. 

A frequent saying among believers is "everything happens for a reason."  And I think often as soon as a prayer is not answered in the way we want it to be we begin searching for "the reason."  This is a silly story but it very much illustrates the point here.  This past summer I flew from Idaho Falls to Grand Forks to attend the wedding of one of my dear friends from college.  Jeremy was unable to go with me so I went on my own.  The wedding was on Saturday and I spent Sunday with another friend and then was to fly back home Monday morning at 0500.  I scheduled a cab to pick me up at 0330 and I set two different alarms.  The first alarm went off at 0245 and I shut it off knowing that the next alarm would ring 15 minutes later.  When I woke up next it wasn't to my alarm.  I rolled over in a panic knowing that I had overslept.  It was five minutes to 0500.  There was no way to even be at the airport in 5 minutes let alone be able to board as I knew that all the passengers were already on the plane.  I was hysterical.  I called the airport but got no answer.  I called Delta customer service and was informed that because I had missed my plane by personal fault and not an act of God or the fault of Delta there was nothing they would do for me.  I was stuck in Grand Forks and in order to fly home I would have to buy a brand new ticket which was out of the financial question.  After talking to Jeremy and my dad and every car rental company in the Grand Forks area I found a car to rent and made the decision to drive home.  As I was picking up the car I was talking to Jeremy on the phone and made the comment "I better hear about a plane crash on the news because otherwise I'm going to be mad about missing this flight for a long time."  That is a terrible thing to say.  Hoping that others were hurt just so my oversleeping could make sense.  But I think that is often how we look at our trials and our unanswered prayers.  We want to know right now what the reason is for the circumstances that we are in.  In so many circumstances though I don't think we are meant to understand and frequently we never know.  Even now as I struggle with one of the trials God has handed to Jeremy and I, I often find myself trying to find the reason, trying to figure out how all the pieces are going to fall together and how things will be "better" in God's plan then they are in my "perfect" plan.  Its as thought I am trying to find an excuse for God upsetting my plan.  But when I reflect and am honest with myself I know that God doesn't need excuses. Some day when it is my turn to stand at His throne I will be able to see the perfect beauty in His plan and I will be able to feel the fullness of His joy.  
And this is how I think these disciples felt.  They felt that they had understood the plan and then it went much much different then they were expecting.  They were hurt and grieving and grasping at straws to maintain their faith.  

 As they approached the village to which they were going, Jesus continued on as if he were going farther. But they urged him strongly, “Stay with us, for it is nearly evening; the day is almost over.” So he went in to stay with them.

 When he was at the table with them, he took bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them.  Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight.  They asked each other, “Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us? Luke 24: 28-32 NIV

These verses leave me thinking just how much Jesus loves us.  And He blesses us when we invite him.  I have no idea why these two disciples were "kept from recognizing" Jesus.  I don't know if God did this purposefully to teach them or if their grief and shaken faith were keeping them from seeing Jesus.  Jesus had basically spent the prior several versus with these men who were obviously doubting everything they thought they knew from his teachings.  And so often He stands by us as we complain about our lives, complain about the trials he has given to us and we walk right past many of the blessings that He has put in our lives without acknowledging or appreciating them.  But when we hit that point that we realize how much we need Him and we hit our knees there He is, He is with us and ready to bless us when we are ready to accept it.  Something wonderful that was said at church is "There is nothing we can do to make Jesus love us any less."  We can turn away from him and by doing that block ourselves from some of the blessings that He would send to us but that wall is put up by us and can be brought down by us through repentance and prayer.  

Through my study of this chapter, my prayers for guidance in writing this blog and my morning prayers and meditations I have really come to focus on the fact that Jesus loves me.  He knows that I doubt and He knows that I will get lost more often they I want to admit.  But when I make the effort to return to Him and live a life that reflects the love He has for me He will bless me in countless ways and many ways that I may not understand until I stand at His throne in heaven.  

Freshman year prayer challenge

 38You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’[h]39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. 40 And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. 41 If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. 42 Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

43 You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor[i] and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.   Matthew 5:38-48 NIV

When I was a freshman in high school our seminary teacher gave us a three part prayer challenge.  And I will be fully honest about this.  I only remember one part of the challenge because it was the part that stuck with me.  We were asked to pick someone that we didn't like or didn't get along with, an "enemy" and for two weeks we were asked to specifically pray for that person.  We were even asked to prayerfully decide who we would be praying for.  At first I thought I would pray for my sister because we fought a lot, then I considered a girl from my grade that I had never liked.  But trying to be a good kid and follow the assignment I hit my knees and asked who I should focus on for this prayer challenge.  And it quickly came to me that I should be focusing on someone who I would have initially called a friend.  At first I thought that I must be wrong.  I told myself that I was worried about this friend and therefore thought of her because I knew that she needed prayer to get through the things she was facing.  The more I thought about it though I realized that I had some pretty negative feelings about her.  She and I had been friends since grade school.  But I really did have a lot of negativity toward her.  We were beginning to grow apart and I didn't want to face the fact that she was no longer someone that I wanted to have a close relationship with.  After much debate I decided to pray for her during the prayer challenge.  I know that for me thinking of her needs and her struggles instead of thinking about the fact that I thought she was making terrible decisions and wasn't doing what I thought she should be doing made an impact.  I will never know what God did with my prayers for her.  I don't know if she was blessed during that time or not but I know that I was surely blessed by the experience.

Now that I am an adult I would love to think the negative situations would be easier to handle and I would be able to have respectful working relationships with people regardless of how I feel about them on a personal level.  But it turns out that being an adult does not magically make things easier.  As I have recently struggled through a situation that has been very difficult for me to handle I have struggled to remain positive and not to think of another person in a hatefully way.  

And being honest again I was very judgmental of this person.  I gossiped about them and was not at all shy when sharing my frustrations.  But after talking to a "friend" I realized that I was not helping my own situation with my actions.  Even though I am struggling with the situation dragging anyone who will listen into my personal issues with another does not make the situation better.  In fact it only deepens my frustration and reflects badly on my character.  After my talk with my "friend" I was looking for a scripture to focus this weeks blog on and I realized that the above passage from Matthew was exactly what I needed to focus my study on.  Whether anyone reading this gets anything from it doesn't matter.  I desperately needed this passage this week.  As I have read it and studied it the prayer challenge came back to me.  I hit my knees and asked God to forgive me for the judgmental and gossipy way that I was handling my situation.  I asked Him to bless the person with whom I have been struggling.  I asked Him to meet the needs of this person.  Then I asked Him for strength to handle the situation from here on out in a more Christ like way.  And I asked Him to help me remember that even when I don't get along with someone they are still one of His children. 

With Easter coming in just a few days I have been meditating on Christs awesome sacrifice for my salvation.  And with the struggle I have recently had I have begun to realize just how much He has done for me.  He did not die for the "big" sins.  Sin in His eyes is sin.  My choice to gossip and tear another down caused Him just as much suffering and pain as any other sin committed by myself or anyone else.  When I hit my knees and ask for forgiveness of my sins and ask for strength in my quest to be a better Christian and be more Christlike I am tapping into that wonderful saving power that came to be as He hung and suffered on that rugged cross.  

John 15, its all about the love

I am a little late with this post because I was struggling with what to focus on this week.  But as I reviewed this chapter that we covered in church last week it began to be clear what God was putting on my heart.

John 15:9-11
       As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.  If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love.  I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 

This verse, and this whole chapter speak volumes on love.  And in a way it is a chapter that I have had a very hard time understanding.  Throughout my life I have had many many difficult times when I felt that this specific passage was sealing my fate of not making it to heaven.  As humans we make mistakes and we falter.  To quote one of my current favorite songs, "I've fallen down from grace a few too many times."  In times that I was struggling with sin this passage, which states that Jesus loves us as the Father loves Him, was distressing.  I felt that because I was not keeping His commandments 100% of the time without faltering He would be unable to love me.  Of course I was familiar with the concept of repentance but I have often thought to myself, "well, this is it.  I've messed up too much, He isn't going to let this one go.  I've ran out of chances.  How could Jesus ever love a mess like me."

John 15:13
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

With the above feelings in mind this scripture was also hard for me.  I tended to take it one of two ways.  I would either feel absolutely guilty because Jesus died for a loser like me, or I would decide that He obviously left me out of His atonement because I was such a horrible sinner and therefore, because I wan't covered by His atonement, meaning His death was not for me,  I was not His friend.  

John 15:14-17
You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.  You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other.

So here is what I have learned and felt as I read and pondered this chapter and as I have grown as a Christian.  JESUS LOVES ME.  Sin happens, and He knows that I will not be able to follow every commandment all of the time.  He knows I will fall, He knows that I will sometimes make terrible decisions.  But following His command is not perfection.  Following His commands is something that has to be done everyday.  And sometimes at the end of the day following the Lords command also means hitting your knees, confessing your sins, and using His atonement.  Then the next morning after starting your day off on your knees and asking for His support and guidance you go forth and strive to follow His path just a little straighter then you did the day before.  And all of that makes this passage so much sweeter.  When I am striving to follow His commandments and I have a close relationship with God that includes heartfelt prayers and true confession of my sins with effort to follow Him more closely everyday then Jesus is my friend and he loves me.  Even in all my faults He loves me.  He CHOSE me.  And through His awesome love I will have joy, COMPLETE JOY. 

Following a new path

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.  -Romans 8:26 ESV

Recently at church we talked about standing up for Christ.  About sharing the good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ with our friends, family, acquaintances, and everyone else that we may come in contact with.  After one particular service I shared with Jeremy on our way home that I have no idea how to share Jesus.  Which kinda seems weird since I grew up in a culture where going out on missions and sharing our beliefs was totally normal.  But I'm just not really that person.  I mean I have shared my beliefs with friends and family but I'm just not the type that strikes up a random conversation with someone I don't really know and tells them all about Jesus and my faith in Him.  I know that as Christians we are supposed to share Him and I want everyone to know about him and have the opportunity to accept him as their Lord and Savior but I want that to happen without me having to stretch out and feel uncomfortable and share Him with others.  in my perfect world I would wear a button kind of like retail workers sometimes wear and it would say  "Ask me about Jesus and how you can accept Him as your Lord and Savior!"   Because I really don't mind sharing Jesus but I don't like the idea of bringing the topic up.  If someone would ask me outright about my beliefs I am happy to share.  But that isn't what we are called to do.  We aren't called to sit in our comfort zone and share Him only with those who actively seek information about Jesus.  We are called to go out to everyone, stretch ourselves in ways that we don't feel like being stretched, be uncomfortable at times, and make sure that when someone meets us they ultimately meet Jesus.  

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth. -Acts 1:8 ESV

Since I told Jeremy about my lack of confidence in sharing Jesus with others I started really thinking about what I could do to be a "better Christian."  I wanted to find a way to make myself comfortable with sharing Jesus.  I wanted to "feel better" about myself and feel like I was doing everything I could to share Jesus.  But lets be honest here, growth is painful.  It isn't easy to become a better person and it can't just happen.  But I really didn't have any idea how I would stretch myself.  The only thing I could come up with was just forcing myself to walk up to random people and ask, "Excuse me, do you know where you will go when this life is over?  Would you like to know more about Jesus and how you can be saved by His grace?"  And starting to ask this question as a habit every time I meet a new person just didn't seem right,  nor did it seem like anything I would ever actually do.  But recently I have been thinking about the few blogs I have written about my faith and I started having this thought in the back of my head that blogging is how I was supposed to share Jesus Christ.  I was supposed to share Him, His message, and His Gospel through our blog.  And every time this thought popped into my head I immediately would think to myself that it was a ridiculous thought and I would immediately dismiss it.  But as I was praying a few nights ago the thought came very strongly to me that I needed to blog about Jesus.  And as strong as the feeling was I still wasn't ready to accept it.  Blogging about Jesus just seems weird to me.  Jesus who lived such a simple, humble life, travelling town to town by foot, a carpenter who's apostles were fishermen, a man who shared His Gospel through parables and on hillsides would never want little old me to share him in a virtual world.  But the next morning while I prayed I couldn't deny that my recent prayers to have the courage to find a way to share Jesus were being answered and even if the answer wasn't what I thought it would or should be it was none the less God's answer to my prayer.  

So here I am.  Writing my first blog since being prompted by the spirit to share Jesus by writing about Him and His teachings.  And I want to be very clear here.  I am not confident in my Bible knowledge.  I do not think I am even sort of knowledgeable when it comes to the teachings of Jesus.  Every time we go to church I learn something new.  When I read the bible I constantly come across things that I don't understand.  But I am putting my faith in God trusting that if it is His will for me to share my faith through a blog that He will give me the messages he wants me to share and he will speak through my fingers.  I plan to share a weekly "devotional" here on our blog and will also continue to blog about our family and any other random things that strike me.  

If you do not have the desire to read my Christian posts I am totally ok with that.  I hope that the messages I share will reach those who are searching for faith but I realize that not everyone is open to my beliefs or cares to hear my thoughts on faith.  When I share my blogs I will try to post in such a way that people will know if the posts are a devotional or something of a different nature.  But if I don't share that information and you open my blog and realize you don't want to hear what I have to say close the window and move on.  If you feel so inclined feel free to share by blog with others.  And please bear with me as I attempt to follow the promptings of the spirit and share my faith in Jesus because right now I am very unsure of this but I know that starting this blog is an answer to my prayers and God has a purpose for me and this new adventure.   

Not everyone was made for toe shoes

From the age of four until the age of 18 I took dance lessons.  I took ballet, tap, and some clogging.  And I was fairly good at clogging and tap.  In fact I really loved tap dancing and at one point in my life had hoped to audition at Radio City.  But for most little girls that take dancing classes I dreamed of being a beautiful ballerina.  And I am kind of built for that, long, skinny (at least back when I was dancing) and mostly leg.  But here is the problem.  I am not a super graceful coordinated person.  I can't tell you how many times we would be working on leaps across the dance studio and my dance teacher would have to tell me that ballerinas should not sound like elephants.  

I put my heart into my dancing and I really loved it.  And for the most part I went through my dance classes with the same group of girls.  We all just moved up together.  And in that group what we all looked forward to was our seventh grade year because that was the year that we would be able to get toe shoes.  And really what kind of ballerina doesn't wear toe shoes?  

So the anticipated time arrived and we were talked to about toe shoes.  We were educated that there were certain qualifications we had to meet before we could get our toe shoes. You may have seen a meme on Facebook showing a ballerinas feet and saying something about the sacrifices because toe shoes are very hard on your feet.  And really your legs, knees and hips.  Our bodies just weren't made to wear toe shoes.  The teacher I took dance classes from was older and believed that you needed to be physically ready for toe shoes in order to increase your chances of safely and successfully dancing.  So we were presented with the physical tasks that we would have to complete in order to qualify for toes shoes.  That first year only half of the class was able to qualify and the other half of us although bummed were ok because we knew we would qualify the next year.  

The next year came and more girls qualified for toe shoes, but not me.  Because I'm so tall and had grown so fast my joints just didn't have the stability that they needed to have for toe shoes.  According to my teacher I was a sprained ankle waiting to happen.  And to get to the point of this story I never got to wear toe shoes.  And it was pretty devistating.  And at one point my teacher told me that being in flat shoes wasn't so bad because I made a good "base dancer" and that was an important roll as well.  But here is what I heard as a 16 year old girl, "You don't have the skills to be a real ballerina but that's ok because your big and do a great job in the same position that is usually filled by male ballet dancers."  It just wasn't what I wanted to hear.  

I know all of that seems probably random and dumb but I really do have a point here.  Proverbs 3:5-7 reads,

 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord, and depart from evil."

Recently at church we have been discussing Gods plan and what Jesus, in the Gospels, is asking us to do in order to be his disciples.  And as we were discussing the fact that we have to give up our plans and our desires and dedicate ourselves to His plan for us the above information came to my mind in the way that it relates to my life right now.  

And there is more to my dancing analogy.  Because I was never going to get my toe shoes I chose to put a lot more dedication into my tapping.  Like I said earlier I even had aspirations to audition at Radio City.  I told my parents about it and I told my dance teacher.  They were all supportive.  My dance teacher started helping me to work on specific things I would need in order to make this dream a possibility.  And then the summer before my senior year my mom helped me find information about auditions so that I could start preparing to audition the following summer.  And that is when my balloon burst.  Due to the nature of the Rocketts they have specific physical requirements one of which is a height limit.  At the time that I was wanting to try out you had to be between 5'7" and 5'10" (I think it was 5'7", I wasn't super concerned about the bottom height).  I am 6' tall and all in a matter of minutes there was my other dancing desire gone out the window.

And now I will tie this all together. God is like our dance teacher.  He knows what we need and He knows where we need to go in this life.  He won't force us to follow the path He has set for us.  That is a choice we have to make.  If we really want to wear those toe shoes He isn't going to stop us, but He also isn't going to prevent any sprained knees or broken ankles that we get as a result of our choice.  When we chose to sin and stray from His Word there will always be consequences.  At the same time when we follow Him and strive to live a Christ like life that does not mean that we will receive what we want or that our way will be easy.  In fact we know that following Jesus is not easy.  There are many many references in the Bible that affirm that struggles and persecution are par for the course in the life of Jesus' followers.  But ultimately God has a great plan for our lives.

I am in no way anywhere near the place that I would be in this life if I were the one making the plans and receiving the desires of my heart.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined my life being where it is now.  But I LOVE where I am now.  Well, mostly.  I still wish that God would have answered some of my prayers in a different manner.  I still pray for things that I desire even though up to this point those desires have not been met in the slightest.  But as I count my blessings and reflect on where I've been and where I am now I cannot deny that I am more blessed than I deserve.  I have had wonderful opportunities in my life and even when I wasn't trying to follow God he still saved me from situations that could have been disastrous even though I thought those were the things I wanted.  I wanted the "toe shoes" and the title "Rockett" but God knew that I was a much better "base".  And He has put me in a place now where although my prayers are not being answered the the way I would like, I am receiving answers to prayer that I never even considered.  

So although we may be striving for the toe shoes God knows what our most beautiful dance will look like.

"Just" a Christian

***Please read my whole post or none of it.  Please don't read a few sentences and make a judgement.  This is a very thought out, personal, emotional post for me.  I know it will take the whole thing to really get my point across.***

In the past several years, but mainly in the past 3 years, I have done tons of spiritual searching, learning, and changing.  I don't ever remember a time in my life where I wasn't very spiritually directed.  And since I was 13 or 14 I have also, for a majority of the years between that age and about two years ago, been very spiritually confused, unhappy, and unsure.  I believe that spiritualism is different for each person and cannot be defined in a generalized way.  I had a friend in high school that I would describe as very spiritual with a strong connection to his higher power.  I would guess though that if you asked most people that we went to high school with they would say that he probably didn't have a spiritual side at all.  And I attribute this to the cultural idea of what spiritualism should look like.  And to be overly stereotypical it should look like a clean cut young man wearing a suit and tie sitting in the front corner pew with about eight other guys that look just like him.

At many times in my life, especially during high school and then again right after graduating from college, I feel that I fell into the cookie cutter idea of spiritual.  I was in the Beehive presidency, the Miamaid presidency, and the Laurels presidency (I was president a couple of times, counselor multiple times and I think secretary twice.)  Now if you are not familiar with the LDS church these are all positions that can be held by a young woman in the Sunday School system for girls 12-18.  I remember being in church related meetings with comments somewhat jokingly made about what a strong spirit I had and that I was a Relief Society president in the making.  In fact at one time in our meetings it was normal for other teenagers in the meeting to refer to me as President Samantha and a friend of mine as Future Bishop (name withheld to protect the innocent).  Because of the area I grew up in most of my friends were LDS and being a "good LDS kid" was "cool".  And even though I had questions and doubts I didn't really entertain any of the doubts because everybody went to church on Sunday, everybody was in Seminary, all of my friends talked about which temple they wanted to get married in, and all my friends made the "what I want in my future husband lists" as part of Young Women's activities and they included traits like returned missionary, eagle scout, honors his priesthood.  I found one of these lists that I made recently and a few of the traits I wrote down included "has a mustache", "rides horses", and "wants a whole lot of kids".  I sat in Young Women's classes where leaders would say things such as "You need to decide now that you want to get married in the temple.  Decide now that you will only marry a man that can take you to the temple and be a priesthood leader in your home."  But you want to know a secret?  Even at 14 or 15 I would sit there and think to myself that I didn't understand why it was such a big deal.  Sure temple marriage seemed important and would of course be nice but in my mind it wasn't a must.  I surly didn't care if I married a returned missionary or even a worthy priesthood holder.  I remember a particular Sunday where a baby was blessed.  The parents of the baby were not active members and the babies grandfather was the one who blessed him.  After the blessing the young mother stood to bear her testimony and stated how grateful she was to have a dad that could bless her baby.  The after church conversation included "how sad" it was that this woman had to be thankful that her dad could bless the baby because it "should have been" the babies father performing the blessing.  And I'm fairly certain there was a comment about this being one of the reasons that it is so important for my sisters and I to look for "worthy" mates.  But I remember telling my mom that I could see me being just like this young mother from church.  "I don't think it would be so bad to be thankful that dad could bless my babies.  My husband doesn't have to be able to do it."  I'm sure that comment made my mom freak out on the inside, and probably on the outside a little bit too.  The point is that this wasn't a weird thought for me.  I didn't see the importance in following all the rules of the church and having the picture perfect LDS life complete with primary calling, 5 kids and a Suburban.  I wanted my relationship with God as being slightly different.  The problem though became that I was living in a world where I didn't really get the idea that having a "slightly different" relationship with God was possible.

When I was in college I began exploring spiritual options.  And I explored some very diverse options.  I attended several different denominational services including Catholic where I'm fairly certain I almost got my friend and I kicked out after leaning over to him and whispering "stand up, sit down, fight fight fight" with his response being a fairly loud snort and giggle.  I attended a Lutheran service, I looked into Native American spiritual practices, attempted some yoga/mindfulness techniques to connect to the spiritual world, and attended a Methodist service.  Long story short I did not feel spiritually fulfilled in the LDS church and I was sure there was something I was missing.  Sadly I ended up resigning myself to the idea that because of my sins I could not feel spiritually fulfilled.  I actually thought that I had screwed up so much that Jesus would never be able to fully love me.  I tried reading the scriptures to become more connected and to build my faith but honestly it never helped.  I didn't understand most of the bible and the Book of Mormon didn't make much sense either.

So I graduated from college and got my first "real" job.  I had no friends there so I went to church because I figured a ward (more specifically a Relief Society) is just 20 or so pre-made friends.  And I really thought that I could use the "fake it till you make it" approach to my spiritual life and relationship with God.  And I tried this approach for several years.

Since we have move to Blackfoot in 2012 I wasn't attending any churches.  And I will be honest with you I had more or less given up.  I hadn't actively attended the LDS church in over a year. I had attended a few services in Wyoming and a few here but I didn't find anything where I felt that I had any better of a spiritual experience than I could have sitting on my couch at home watching an uplifting movie.  I know this sounds pretty bad but that was where I had settled spiritually.  After having church leaders tell me that I was being punished for mistakes I had made and having one leader tell me that I would never find spiritual happiness if I was married to Jeremy I had pretty much given up. I knew I could not associate myself with a church that believed that Jesus would take away blessings just because I had made some mistakes but I also couldn't find any other churches where I felt any love from Jesus.  So I gave up.

Now enter Jeremy's job.  He started working at Cal-Ranch shortly after we moved here.  So one day this guy comes in and needs help finding a new water trough for his horses.  Jeremy being the good employee and social butterfly that he is he helped this gentleman with his need and struck up a conversation.  They discussed that this gentleman (who I now know as Pastor Dave) and his wife had recently moved to this area from a Carolina (I feel really bad but I can't remember which one).  Jeremy told him that we had recently come here from Wyoming.  Then he asked Pastor Dave what brought him and his wife to Idaho.  He told Jeremy that he was a pastor and they had come out here to help plant cowboy churches.  Knowing that I wanted to find a church Jeremy got more info.

He called me on his lunch, gave me the info, and told me that I was invited to attend church that night at 1900.  And on a whim I went.  And I liked it.  There was a great message and some really good country gospel music like my Grandpa Al enjoys.

But here's the thing.  I still had that issue with not being sure if Jesus even liked me.  So it was quite a while before I ever went back.

I'm gonna skip a whole lot of the middle at this point.  But the story is a good one.  Because eventually Jeremy and I started going to cowboy church services together and we started attending fairly regularly.  We were baptized as followers of Christ on October 4th of 2014.  Our baptisms took place at an arena and we were baptized in a horse trough, by Pastor Dave, which I think is very fitting.  And I am happy to say that although I  have so much room to grow, I have a personal relationship with my Savior Lord Jesus that is better then my relationship with Him has ever been.  And Jeremy and I are consistently working to have a marriage that is more centered on God and Christ like love for each other.

But the point of all this (and I was much longer winded then I intended to be) is that I am a Christian.  I am not a Mormon, or a Baptist, or a Catholic, or anything specifically denominational.  But I am a Christian, I am one of Gods children.  And being one of His children, and being part of the family of Christ is everything.  It (should and usually does) define me and the decisions I make.  Being a follower of Christ helps to form the decisions I make, the actions I take, and the way I conduct myself.  But I tell people that I am "just" a Christian because even though being a Christian is at the core of who I am I want people to know that Christ is my Savior and I follow him and where I worship and who I worship with is not the pivot point of my faith.

For my friends who do identify themselves with a specific religion no matter what that religion is I think that is great and I have no problem with denomination specific faith.  For me the "religion" part of my faith isn't important but I respect that for many people it is important and it strengthens them spiritually and  bolsters their faith, and I think that is great.  I don't have a problem with any religion and this is not meant to be taken in that way.  This is my faith story, this is something that has been on my heart recently and something that I felt I needed to get written down and share. 

Farming, Feminism, and my dad

So I started this blog in early June but decided it needed to be finished today.  I'm a little behind but that's pretty typical.


It is early June.  We have had plenty of rain.  The grass and hay in the field are knee high.  So that means its time to cut a first crop.  Now of course, since today was a good day to cut hay and there is supposedly a fairly low chance of rain in the next few days and the swather we are using gets bogged down if the hay gets too thick, I am alone at home and Jeremy is in Utah for work.  However I have an awesome dad who is willing to inconvenience himself in order to help us out.  So dad and I cut hay this evening.

The swather that we use is old.  Like probably at least 10 years older than Jeremy.  Currently a very large wrench is required for steering, one of the belts just quits whenever it feels like it, and apparently red does not indicate a live wire.  But to give it a little credit the swather started right up and ran like a champ.

So I grew up around farming.  My dad grew up on a dairy farm, my moms grandparents had hay and sheep, and a lot of my friends were farm kids.  I understand how important water is.  I also understand that the difference between a good year and a bad year is mostly in Gods hands.  At church we are always praying for moisture.  Most of the people at church are tied to agriculture in one way or another so we pray for rain and thank God when we get it.  However, now that I am older and we have a hay field in our back yard which supplies us with all the hay we need for our goats, I am gaining a much better understanding of just how stressful farming can be.  (and yes for anyone out there trying to be argumentative I realize that 4 acres of hay is not a real farm...but if you ask the insurance company it is a "hobby farm".)  I am inclined to think of the Luke Bryan song "Rain is a Good Thing" when I think of farming.  But it turns out that that is only sort of true.  Rain is great.  Rain makes things grow.  Rain also makes mud and mold.  And that is a problem.  You can't cut hay if its wet, or if the field is too muddy, and once you cut hay you needs some awesome sun shiny days to dry that hay out and get it baled.

We finished swathing tonight just as a great big thunder head started to roll in.  The good news is that it produced very little rain.  And the other great part of tonight was spending time with my dad.  He's a pretty awesome guy in my opinion.  And I kind of felt like a little girl tonight.  Riding along on the tractor with my dad, him teaching me all sorts of things about swathing, driving, when to move the header, how to turn without wrecking...all sorts of useful information.  When the weather started to look bad dad asked me if I wanted him to drop me off at the top of the field so I could go into the hours.  First of all I wasn't about to let me dad do all of the work that I was supposed to be doing and secondly and most important of all I was with my dad.  I'm an adult now and getting one on one time with my dad just to chat doesn't really happen not to mention I haven't got to do farm work with my dad since I was 16 and I was really enjoying it.

Now feminism doesn't have much to do with my dad but it does tie in to a frequent discussion that Jeremy and I have.  I see lots of posts from women all the time about how they are strong and independent and do not need a man.  And for anyone who knows me I tend to be that way.  I like to describe myself as a feminist hippie living in the wrong era.  But its not quite true.  When I see the posts like this from women I agree.  I don't NEED Jeremy just because hes a man and I'm a woman. I can do it for myself.  My dad could have opened up the field, given me a swather driving crash course and he then could have just gone home.  I would have been fine.  Not as fast but fine.  I can haul hay, I milk every morning, I have a good career and could support myself.  But that isn't the point.  So many of the posts I see mention things about needing a man who understands that he is not "needed". A man who can "handle" a strong woman.  But here's the thing.  I could survive without Jeremy and he could survive without me.  But he is my best friend and the love of my life.  And sometimes when tough jobs need to be accomplished I am more that happy for him to help me.  Because I do need him.  I need him to love me, deal with me when I am stubborn and refuse help, and to jump in and help when I fail without giving me the "I told you so" routine.

I am a strong independent woman but that doesn't me I have to drive men away but telling them they are not needed.  How would you feel if someone told you that you weren't needed?  I don't think it's anyone's dream to be in a relationship where they are disposable.  And that is how I perceive all those dumb posts.  Strong women want disposable men.  

But I don't want a disposable man.  And he is needed and I do appreciate him.  Even when I know that I can do it without him.  When all was said and done and the hay was cut and drying I was so very thankful that Jeremy would be home in time to bale it.  And when that time came I helped.  I went on multiple parts runs, I brought out water and I even rode on the tractor for a while.  And I am more than OK with that role.

But if Jeremy is gone next year when the hay needs to be baled you can bet I will do it.  Because I don't need a man but I have an awesome wonderful man and I know that do the harder things for me is how he shows me that he loves me.