A Church Full of Sin and Greif

Tonight there was a special program at church with a really large turn out.  Jeremy and I were running a little late so when we got there we ended up sitting in a different spot than we normally do.  During part of the program they were talking about taking your sins and burdens to the Lord.  They spoke of our walk with Jesus and the fact that he will never give up on us but we have to choose to turn to him. 

I started looking around the church at all the people that were present.  My eyes were opened to see everyone in a different light.  On either side of me sat men who obviously had tobacco in their pockets.  Across from me was a woman who lost her husband just two short weeks ago.  A few rows behind her sat a grandfather whose family lost a granddaughter and her husband yesterday in a motorcycle accident and are dealing with that sorrow as well as the new challenge of raising the couples two young children.  Just a few seats down from him sat a man who was fidgeting with a coin as he does each time I see him at church.  I have no idea what time frame that coin represents or even if it is the same coin each time I see him.  In front of me sat a little boy struggling to understand why God would allow his body to get sick when he eats a cookie. In my seat sat a woman who deals with deep heartache and longing for God to put a child in her home and a difficulty controlling the urge to snap inappropriately in anger.  Next to me sat a man with the same heartache for a child.  These are just a few of the people that we sat in church with tonight.  Many of the people in attendance I barely know or don't know at all.  I believe that if each of us had a sign on our chest declaring our sins, addictions, griefs, and sorrows we would be surprised what those around us are going through.

I didn't make these observations in order to judge those that I listed above.  It was just this moment where God let a light shine down to open my eyes.  Yes the woman sitting in my seat is dealing with some sins and sorrows right now that are sometimes hard to cope with.  Yes there are days where she just doesn't know how she can ever get through these things.  But everyone is fighting their own battle. Some with battles that I cannot even imagine.  Each one of us struggles day to day with sins, trials, and sorrows that God had placed in our path.  If we choose to turn to him and hand our trials to him he will bear our burdens and guide us through each and every trial that we will allow him to guide us through. 

                    Proverbs 3:5-6
                    Trust in the Lord with all your heart                    and lean not on your own understanding;
                    in all your ways submit to him,
                    and he will make your paths straight. NIV

I have read this scripture several times in my life but over the past six months or so this has become one of the most powerful scriptures that I know.

When I trust in the Lord, my Lord, my Jesus, and submit everything to him while in prayer and in my heart he will guide me though all things.  It is so easy to lean on our own understanding.  So many times I catch myself making my own plans, deciding that I know best which route I should take in my life.  But when I do that, and I walk away from the path God has for me I find that I do not know better and my journey becomes difficult and most times very painful. 

God's path for me will not be free of pain and trials, I will still face temptations, but if I lean on Him and trust in Him giving him the reins He will lead my on the path that has been set for me and He will heal and comfort me as I face those trials and heartaches that each of us is destined to face in our lives. 

Would you be free from your burden of sin?
There's power in the blood, power in the blood
Would you o'er evil the victory win?
There's wonderful power in the blood

There is power, power, wonder-working power
In the blood of the Lamb
There is power, power, wonder-working power
In the precious blood of the Lamb

By the Grace of God

So this blog has been on my heart for about a month now.  About a month ago the message at church was surrounding Ephesians 2:8.  It turns out that this is a scripture that most Christians are very familiar with.  I'll be honest though, I don't know as I've ever noticed this passage before.  First of all Grace is a concept that I didn't understand at all prior to 3 ish years ago and now I still don't have a good grasp on Grace and how it works.  When I was growing up Grace was explained to me in a different way than it has been since I started attending the 4C's. 

Ephesians 2:8
    For it is by Grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-

My understanding of Grace for most of my life is kind of hard to explain because really I just didn't understand it at all.  I knew that we were saved by God's Grace though the crucifixion of Jesus Christ but that's about all.  I believed that I could fall in and out of Grace dependent on my actions and my worthiness for God's love.  To put it simply I believed that Grace was given IF my works were deserving.  I fully believed that in this life everything I was doing was either earning my way to heaven or putting black marks on my scorecard.  Jesus love was there for the taking IF I could just be good enough, and I am my own worst critic so I never felt good enough.  I guess I really saw God's Grace as his willingness to let Christ die for my sins.  From there I really believed that salvation was earned.  And although this is a totally different topic John 3:16 didn't mean much to me either.  I have learned more recently that once I confess faith in Christ I am covered by God's Grace and Christ's saving atonement.  Now that doesn't mean that I stood in front of the church, prayed the sinners prayer and went on being the same person, full of sin, with no repentance.  But it does mean that God will not un-love me and Christ will not un-save me just because I trip and fall and sin. 

So after the message on this passage I had lots of warm fuzzy feelings because every time I learn the basics of the Bible I get the warm and fuzzys because that's where I am spiritually...basic.  However just one week from that message I had a bit of a meltdown and said to Jeremy, "I can't be a good Christian, I guess I just won't be saved."  My wonderful loving husband, who I'm sure at the time would much rather have dropped me off at the side of the road and returned home alone,  just looked at me and said, "Your already saved, you can't be unsaved."  It is still hard for me to understand the far reaching power of God's Grace. 

In the past couple of weeks as I have been praying on this passage, this blog, and some of the struggles I am facing a few different songs have come to my mind that help me to remember that God loves me, even when I mess up, even when I doubt, He still loves me. 

              Who Am I by Casting Crowns
                      "Who am I that the Lord of all the earth would care to know my name,
                      "Would care to feel my hurt"...
                     "Not because of who I am but because of what You've done,
                       Not because of what I've done but because of who You are."...
                       "I am Yours"

               Amazing Grace
                      "Amazing Grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me,
                        I once was lost but now am found was blind but now I see.
                        Was Grace that taught my heart to fear and Grace my fears relieved,
                        How precious did that Grace appear the hour I first believed.
                       When we've been there ten thousand years, bright shining as the sun
                        We've no less days to sing God's praise then when we first begun."

How grateful I am for God's love, His Grace, and the sacrifice of His Son so that one day I will stand again in the courts of Heaven and be in the presence of my God.

Dealing with a tough weekend

This blog is very near and dear to my heart.  There is a very raw hurt that I express in this blog.  However to all of my friends who are celebrating mothers day with their families today know that I love you and am so thankful for the examples you have set for me.  Although I have had a few pity parties for myself I do not hold hurtful feelings toward my friends who are blessed with little ones.  In fact I am ever so thankful for the opportunities I have had to be part of your lives and part of the lives of your beautiful families.  

Yesterday while I was walking from a doctors office back to work I started preparing myself for church.  You see this weekend is my least favorite weekend of the whole year to attend church.  There are so many parts of this weekend that make it a tough time to attend church.  There is of course the awkwardness of the flowers that seem to always be given to mothers at the end of the service.  I would prefer not to have a flower given to me.  The gesture is very sweet but it seems like a lie to me.  The flowers are passed out to the mothers and yet here I am, very much not a mother, carrying a flower out to my car.  And it almost feels like a pity gift. "We know that you aren't a mother but we feel bad and don't want to leave you out so here's a flower".  I know the intent is good but its just awkward on my end.
Then there is the message itself.  The mothers day message is always beautiful however it is tough to listen to someone speak of the blessings and responsibilities of motherhood while I am sitting in my pew feeling the intense stabbing of pain stemming from my empty arms and so many unanswered prayers for motherhood.  Most pastors or speakers include a few sentences in their message about all women being nurturers and even if they are not raising children they are making an impact in the lives of children around them.  Its a nice gesture but as someone who has sat through several of these services it just feels patronizing.
I realize that this all sounds very bitter and in a way it is.  Although I know that I have been able to impact others children and have been able to be a part of nurturing them I don't feel comfort in the fact that this is my "mothering role".  And honestly I have had to work for several years to find a place where I can accept that God's plan for my role as a mother will be just as beautiful as the plan I had for myself.
It turned out that this year Jeremy and I did not make it to church for the mothers day service because he hasn't been feeling well and we didn't want to risk him spreading his germs to everyone.  But as I was thinking about the pain that I have felt and the long journey that I am still on to accept the plan that He has set for me I realized that this is one of the pains that I need to lay at His feet and rely on Him to comfort and heal my broken heart.
Over the last year or so I have been really working toward having a closer, stronger relationship with Christ and I have learned that His words can be so touching and comforting at times that I feel nothing can comfort me.  I wanted to share several of the scripture passages that have been a comfort to me in the past few weeks in a hope that someone who is struggling, even if their struggle is night and day different from mine, would also gain comfort and strength to rely on the Lord for healing of their heart.

Psalm 37:7
Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass. 
In our study bible the footnote to this verse explains that this is not a call to stop trying and do nothing but rather a call to place our lives in His hands and depend on him for all of our daily needs.  I have been touched by this passage because patience isn't my thing.  I want results and I want them now.  I am working, and learning and stumbling every day and I strive to place my life in his hands and allow him to guide me rather than expecting that he should agree with my plans and lead me down my planned path.

Romans 5:1-5
Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: by whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and eperience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. 
Having faith we have peace with God.  That is pretty powerful.  I am a worrier.  I worry about EVERYTHING.  But this passage reminds me that I do have peace with God because of my faith in Him and His Son.  That does not mean that I won't face trials that have the potential to break me but if I lean on Him those trials will build patience in my life and through these experiences I be able to build hope.

The last scripture that I found as a comfort this weekend is 2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted by God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.  
Jesus knows my suffering because my sin and pain caused his pain during the Crucifixion.   He and He alone can wrap his arms around me and say "I know exactly what you are going through and how much pain is in your heart."  And he alone can make me whole again by wrapping me in his love.

He is there if you just pay attention

This past week in church the message came from Luke 24.  Its a passage I have read several times but for some reason it hit me in a way it has never hit me in the past.  It has been on my heart and mind since and it seems that in the past few days I have come across several other scriptures and stories that have fit right in.  There is so much wonderful teaching in this chapter and I know that I will be unable to do it justice but as I write this I pray that God will send His message through my writing so that others may be touched by His word and love.

        Now that same day two of them were going to a village called Emmaus, about seven miles from Jerusalem.  They were talking with each other about everything that had happened.  As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; but they were kept from recognizing him.

 He asked them, “What are you discussing together as you walk along?”

They stood still, their faces downcast. One of them, named Cleopas, asked him, “Are you the only one visiting Jerusalem who does not know the things that have happened there in these days?”

 “What things?” he asked.

“About Jesus of Nazareth,” they replied. “He was a prophet, powerful in word and deed before God and all the people.  The chief priests and our rulers handed him over to be sentenced to death, and they crucified him; but we had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem Israel. And what is more, it is the third day since all this took place.  In addition, some of our women amazed us. They went to the tomb early this morning  but didn’t find his body. They came and told us that they had seen a vision of angels, who said he was alive.  Then some of our companions went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said, but they did not see Jesus.”  Luke 24 13-24 NIV

This passage hit me in many ways.  Most profoundly though it made me think of how we often feel left alone and neglected in times of grief.  Pastor David talked about how those who believed in Christ believed that He was there to save Israel.  Although He had taught them of the plan they didn't really understand.  When He was crucified they were confused and didn't understand what was happening.  So often I think we find ourselves in a similar place.  When a loved one is diagnosed with cancer of some other terrible illness we often pray that Jesus will send healing to them.  And sometimes He does that in this life and they receive treatments and go on to spend many more years with us.  But sometimes their healing come when they stand at His throne in heaven.  It is hard to accept the loss of a loved one and I know for myself at times that I have prayed so hard for healing and then that person was taken to heaven I felt like God had let me down.  I felt that He had chose not to answer my prayers and in some way had turn his back on me.  And it isn't just in the death of someone we had hoped would be healed.  When we pray for a new job, or we pray to be relieved of a heavy burden, or pray to have one of the desires of our heart met and those prayers are not answered exactly like we feel that they should be we can often feel like God had forgotten us or maybe we feel that He doesn't think we are worthy of what we have prayed for.  I love that the two disciples that Jesus was talking with reiterate this story to him in this way.  In addition, some of our women amazed us. They went to the tomb early this morning  but didn’t find his body. They came and told us that they had seen a vision of angels, who said he was alive.  Then some of our companions went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said, but they did not see Jesus.  In this passage what I hear is two men, who when the women came and reported the empty tomb, saw the explanation for the events that did not follow the course as they had thought it would.  They thought that this was the aha moment in the sadness they had been experiencing.  but then other disciples go to the tomb and although they don't find His body they also don't find the living Jesus.  And you can feel the pain in this statement. 

A frequent saying among believers is "everything happens for a reason."  And I think often as soon as a prayer is not answered in the way we want it to be we begin searching for "the reason."  This is a silly story but it very much illustrates the point here.  This past summer I flew from Idaho Falls to Grand Forks to attend the wedding of one of my dear friends from college.  Jeremy was unable to go with me so I went on my own.  The wedding was on Saturday and I spent Sunday with another friend and then was to fly back home Monday morning at 0500.  I scheduled a cab to pick me up at 0330 and I set two different alarms.  The first alarm went off at 0245 and I shut it off knowing that the next alarm would ring 15 minutes later.  When I woke up next it wasn't to my alarm.  I rolled over in a panic knowing that I had overslept.  It was five minutes to 0500.  There was no way to even be at the airport in 5 minutes let alone be able to board as I knew that all the passengers were already on the plane.  I was hysterical.  I called the airport but got no answer.  I called Delta customer service and was informed that because I had missed my plane by personal fault and not an act of God or the fault of Delta there was nothing they would do for me.  I was stuck in Grand Forks and in order to fly home I would have to buy a brand new ticket which was out of the financial question.  After talking to Jeremy and my dad and every car rental company in the Grand Forks area I found a car to rent and made the decision to drive home.  As I was picking up the car I was talking to Jeremy on the phone and made the comment "I better hear about a plane crash on the news because otherwise I'm going to be mad about missing this flight for a long time."  That is a terrible thing to say.  Hoping that others were hurt just so my oversleeping could make sense.  But I think that is often how we look at our trials and our unanswered prayers.  We want to know right now what the reason is for the circumstances that we are in.  In so many circumstances though I don't think we are meant to understand and frequently we never know.  Even now as I struggle with one of the trials God has handed to Jeremy and I, I often find myself trying to find the reason, trying to figure out how all the pieces are going to fall together and how things will be "better" in God's plan then they are in my "perfect" plan.  Its as thought I am trying to find an excuse for God upsetting my plan.  But when I reflect and am honest with myself I know that God doesn't need excuses. Some day when it is my turn to stand at His throne I will be able to see the perfect beauty in His plan and I will be able to feel the fullness of His joy.  
And this is how I think these disciples felt.  They felt that they had understood the plan and then it went much much different then they were expecting.  They were hurt and grieving and grasping at straws to maintain their faith.  

 As they approached the village to which they were going, Jesus continued on as if he were going farther. But they urged him strongly, “Stay with us, for it is nearly evening; the day is almost over.” So he went in to stay with them.

 When he was at the table with them, he took bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them.  Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight.  They asked each other, “Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us? Luke 24: 28-32 NIV

These verses leave me thinking just how much Jesus loves us.  And He blesses us when we invite him.  I have no idea why these two disciples were "kept from recognizing" Jesus.  I don't know if God did this purposefully to teach them or if their grief and shaken faith were keeping them from seeing Jesus.  Jesus had basically spent the prior several versus with these men who were obviously doubting everything they thought they knew from his teachings.  And so often He stands by us as we complain about our lives, complain about the trials he has given to us and we walk right past many of the blessings that He has put in our lives without acknowledging or appreciating them.  But when we hit that point that we realize how much we need Him and we hit our knees there He is, He is with us and ready to bless us when we are ready to accept it.  Something wonderful that was said at church is "There is nothing we can do to make Jesus love us any less."  We can turn away from him and by doing that block ourselves from some of the blessings that He would send to us but that wall is put up by us and can be brought down by us through repentance and prayer.  

Through my study of this chapter, my prayers for guidance in writing this blog and my morning prayers and meditations I have really come to focus on the fact that Jesus loves me.  He knows that I doubt and He knows that I will get lost more often they I want to admit.  But when I make the effort to return to Him and live a life that reflects the love He has for me He will bless me in countless ways and many ways that I may not understand until I stand at His throne in heaven.  

Freshman year prayer challenge

 38You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’[h]39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. 40 And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. 41 If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. 42 Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

43 You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor[i] and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.   Matthew 5:38-48 NIV

When I was a freshman in high school our seminary teacher gave us a three part prayer challenge.  And I will be fully honest about this.  I only remember one part of the challenge because it was the part that stuck with me.  We were asked to pick someone that we didn't like or didn't get along with, an "enemy" and for two weeks we were asked to specifically pray for that person.  We were even asked to prayerfully decide who we would be praying for.  At first I thought I would pray for my sister because we fought a lot, then I considered a girl from my grade that I had never liked.  But trying to be a good kid and follow the assignment I hit my knees and asked who I should focus on for this prayer challenge.  And it quickly came to me that I should be focusing on someone who I would have initially called a friend.  At first I thought that I must be wrong.  I told myself that I was worried about this friend and therefore thought of her because I knew that she needed prayer to get through the things she was facing.  The more I thought about it though I realized that I had some pretty negative feelings about her.  She and I had been friends since grade school.  But I really did have a lot of negativity toward her.  We were beginning to grow apart and I didn't want to face the fact that she was no longer someone that I wanted to have a close relationship with.  After much debate I decided to pray for her during the prayer challenge.  I know that for me thinking of her needs and her struggles instead of thinking about the fact that I thought she was making terrible decisions and wasn't doing what I thought she should be doing made an impact.  I will never know what God did with my prayers for her.  I don't know if she was blessed during that time or not but I know that I was surely blessed by the experience.

Now that I am an adult I would love to think the negative situations would be easier to handle and I would be able to have respectful working relationships with people regardless of how I feel about them on a personal level.  But it turns out that being an adult does not magically make things easier.  As I have recently struggled through a situation that has been very difficult for me to handle I have struggled to remain positive and not to think of another person in a hatefully way.  

And being honest again I was very judgmental of this person.  I gossiped about them and was not at all shy when sharing my frustrations.  But after talking to a "friend" I realized that I was not helping my own situation with my actions.  Even though I am struggling with the situation dragging anyone who will listen into my personal issues with another does not make the situation better.  In fact it only deepens my frustration and reflects badly on my character.  After my talk with my "friend" I was looking for a scripture to focus this weeks blog on and I realized that the above passage from Matthew was exactly what I needed to focus my study on.  Whether anyone reading this gets anything from it doesn't matter.  I desperately needed this passage this week.  As I have read it and studied it the prayer challenge came back to me.  I hit my knees and asked God to forgive me for the judgmental and gossipy way that I was handling my situation.  I asked Him to bless the person with whom I have been struggling.  I asked Him to meet the needs of this person.  Then I asked Him for strength to handle the situation from here on out in a more Christ like way.  And I asked Him to help me remember that even when I don't get along with someone they are still one of His children. 

With Easter coming in just a few days I have been meditating on Christs awesome sacrifice for my salvation.  And with the struggle I have recently had I have begun to realize just how much He has done for me.  He did not die for the "big" sins.  Sin in His eyes is sin.  My choice to gossip and tear another down caused Him just as much suffering and pain as any other sin committed by myself or anyone else.  When I hit my knees and ask for forgiveness of my sins and ask for strength in my quest to be a better Christian and be more Christlike I am tapping into that wonderful saving power that came to be as He hung and suffered on that rugged cross.  

John 15, its all about the love

I am a little late with this post because I was struggling with what to focus on this week.  But as I reviewed this chapter that we covered in church last week it began to be clear what God was putting on my heart.

John 15:9-11
       As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.  If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love.  I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 

This verse, and this whole chapter speak volumes on love.  And in a way it is a chapter that I have had a very hard time understanding.  Throughout my life I have had many many difficult times when I felt that this specific passage was sealing my fate of not making it to heaven.  As humans we make mistakes and we falter.  To quote one of my current favorite songs, "I've fallen down from grace a few too many times."  In times that I was struggling with sin this passage, which states that Jesus loves us as the Father loves Him, was distressing.  I felt that because I was not keeping His commandments 100% of the time without faltering He would be unable to love me.  Of course I was familiar with the concept of repentance but I have often thought to myself, "well, this is it.  I've messed up too much, He isn't going to let this one go.  I've ran out of chances.  How could Jesus ever love a mess like me."

John 15:13
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

With the above feelings in mind this scripture was also hard for me.  I tended to take it one of two ways.  I would either feel absolutely guilty because Jesus died for a loser like me, or I would decide that He obviously left me out of His atonement because I was such a horrible sinner and therefore, because I wan't covered by His atonement, meaning His death was not for me,  I was not His friend.  

John 15:14-17
You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.  You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other.

So here is what I have learned and felt as I read and pondered this chapter and as I have grown as a Christian.  JESUS LOVES ME.  Sin happens, and He knows that I will not be able to follow every commandment all of the time.  He knows I will fall, He knows that I will sometimes make terrible decisions.  But following His command is not perfection.  Following His commands is something that has to be done everyday.  And sometimes at the end of the day following the Lords command also means hitting your knees, confessing your sins, and using His atonement.  Then the next morning after starting your day off on your knees and asking for His support and guidance you go forth and strive to follow His path just a little straighter then you did the day before.  And all of that makes this passage so much sweeter.  When I am striving to follow His commandments and I have a close relationship with God that includes heartfelt prayers and true confession of my sins with effort to follow Him more closely everyday then Jesus is my friend and he loves me.  Even in all my faults He loves me.  He CHOSE me.  And through His awesome love I will have joy, COMPLETE JOY. 

Following a new path

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.  -Romans 8:26 ESV

Recently at church we talked about standing up for Christ.  About sharing the good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ with our friends, family, acquaintances, and everyone else that we may come in contact with.  After one particular service I shared with Jeremy on our way home that I have no idea how to share Jesus.  Which kinda seems weird since I grew up in a culture where going out on missions and sharing our beliefs was totally normal.  But I'm just not really that person.  I mean I have shared my beliefs with friends and family but I'm just not the type that strikes up a random conversation with someone I don't really know and tells them all about Jesus and my faith in Him.  I know that as Christians we are supposed to share Him and I want everyone to know about him and have the opportunity to accept him as their Lord and Savior but I want that to happen without me having to stretch out and feel uncomfortable and share Him with others.  in my perfect world I would wear a button kind of like retail workers sometimes wear and it would say  "Ask me about Jesus and how you can accept Him as your Lord and Savior!"   Because I really don't mind sharing Jesus but I don't like the idea of bringing the topic up.  If someone would ask me outright about my beliefs I am happy to share.  But that isn't what we are called to do.  We aren't called to sit in our comfort zone and share Him only with those who actively seek information about Jesus.  We are called to go out to everyone, stretch ourselves in ways that we don't feel like being stretched, be uncomfortable at times, and make sure that when someone meets us they ultimately meet Jesus.  

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth. -Acts 1:8 ESV

Since I told Jeremy about my lack of confidence in sharing Jesus with others I started really thinking about what I could do to be a "better Christian."  I wanted to find a way to make myself comfortable with sharing Jesus.  I wanted to "feel better" about myself and feel like I was doing everything I could to share Jesus.  But lets be honest here, growth is painful.  It isn't easy to become a better person and it can't just happen.  But I really didn't have any idea how I would stretch myself.  The only thing I could come up with was just forcing myself to walk up to random people and ask, "Excuse me, do you know where you will go when this life is over?  Would you like to know more about Jesus and how you can be saved by His grace?"  And starting to ask this question as a habit every time I meet a new person just didn't seem right,  nor did it seem like anything I would ever actually do.  But recently I have been thinking about the few blogs I have written about my faith and I started having this thought in the back of my head that blogging is how I was supposed to share Jesus Christ.  I was supposed to share Him, His message, and His Gospel through our blog.  And every time this thought popped into my head I immediately would think to myself that it was a ridiculous thought and I would immediately dismiss it.  But as I was praying a few nights ago the thought came very strongly to me that I needed to blog about Jesus.  And as strong as the feeling was I still wasn't ready to accept it.  Blogging about Jesus just seems weird to me.  Jesus who lived such a simple, humble life, travelling town to town by foot, a carpenter who's apostles were fishermen, a man who shared His Gospel through parables and on hillsides would never want little old me to share him in a virtual world.  But the next morning while I prayed I couldn't deny that my recent prayers to have the courage to find a way to share Jesus were being answered and even if the answer wasn't what I thought it would or should be it was none the less God's answer to my prayer.  

So here I am.  Writing my first blog since being prompted by the spirit to share Jesus by writing about Him and His teachings.  And I want to be very clear here.  I am not confident in my Bible knowledge.  I do not think I am even sort of knowledgeable when it comes to the teachings of Jesus.  Every time we go to church I learn something new.  When I read the bible I constantly come across things that I don't understand.  But I am putting my faith in God trusting that if it is His will for me to share my faith through a blog that He will give me the messages he wants me to share and he will speak through my fingers.  I plan to share a weekly "devotional" here on our blog and will also continue to blog about our family and any other random things that strike me.  

If you do not have the desire to read my Christian posts I am totally ok with that.  I hope that the messages I share will reach those who are searching for faith but I realize that not everyone is open to my beliefs or cares to hear my thoughts on faith.  When I share my blogs I will try to post in such a way that people will know if the posts are a devotional or something of a different nature.  But if I don't share that information and you open my blog and realize you don't want to hear what I have to say close the window and move on.  If you feel so inclined feel free to share by blog with others.  And please bear with me as I attempt to follow the promptings of the spirit and share my faith in Jesus because right now I am very unsure of this but I know that starting this blog is an answer to my prayers and God has a purpose for me and this new adventure.