First of all, deciding to make this post has been a very hard decision for me. I have not been super open with this part of my life but with the support and encouragement of a good friend I have decided to be open and honest with this post in order to educate others.
This week is Mental Health Awareness Week and today is Bi-polar Awareness Day. As a few may know I was diagnosed 4 years ago with Bi-polar Disorder Type 1. I think I probably started having symptoms when I was in college but it didn't become a problem bigger then I could handle until a few months before I got diagnosed. My journey to diagnosis started with me going into my family practice doctor in the spring because I had been very depressed. He gave me some anti-depressants and at first I felt GREAT!...for a while. Then I started to become out of control. I didn't sleep, I couldn't focus on anything, I spent money on silly frivolous items like a belly dancing outfit, and I signed myself up for a doctoral program. Not that going back to school was a bad idea but I didn't think it through. I just did it on a whim. I couldn't sit still for more then a few minutes at a time. And the worst part was I am not a fun manic person. I get irritable...very irritable. I was attacking Jeremy over nothing. He would look at me and it would make me mad. And I wasn't just mad at Jeremy. Every one got on my nerves. The week before I finally got help I actually rev'd my engine with the intent to rear end someone because they had a bumper sticker I didn't like. I got out of the chair in my office and walked toward a coworker with the intent to hurt her just because I was in a bad mood and she made me mad by existing. Luckily I was still with it enough to catch myself before actually doing anything and I was able to say "Whoa! What the hell is wrong with you? You can't just attack people for no reason."
So I finally went to a psychiatrist and got a diagnosis of Bi-polar. The first few weeks were hard. My doctor wouldn't let me drive because of my road rage and she had me take a week off of work because she was afraid I wouldn't continue to be able to control my violent thoughts and I might act on them against one of my patients or coworkers. She put me on medication so most of that week that I was off work I spent sleeping, which was great because I hadn't slept for more then an hour or so in weeks.
Again the medication was great for a couple of weeks and then I started getting over sedated. I was a shell of who I really am. I was a zombie. This went on for several months because my doctor wasn't willing to adjust my meds. She said I needed to be medicated and I would eventually adjust. But like I said months went by and it did not get better...it got worse. I literally fell asleep when I sat down. I would start to fall asleep at my desk. I fell asleep while sitting at a restaurant celebrating with my parents and some family friends. On my last visit to my grandma's house before she died I fell asleep while we were talking and spent 75% of our visit napping on her couch.
I finally had enough. I told my doctor I was going off of my meds whether she helped me with it or not. She changed my medication but I apparently have a very low tolerance for medication that is sedating. I still struggled with being tired during the day. So finally almost two years later I got a new doctor who was willing to work with me.
But during this time I still dealt with episodes of mania and depression although I'm sure they weren't as bad as they could have been. During one particularly bad manic episode I was driving Jeremy home from work and I was speeding and running red lights. Jeremy warned me that I needed to be careful or I was going to get pulled over and I told him that if a cop pulled me over I would tell him to suck his own...well you can add your own colorful language here. I had a hard time keeping up with my work during these episodes and I would get so behind that I would have to spend hours at work on the weekend and evenings for a week just to catch up.
Over the past year since we moved to Idaho I have been more stable then I have been probably since I got diagnosed. The year before we moved I started to get stable but then the doctor I was seeing closed her practice and I medicated myself until a while after we moved...not my best plan.
Well now I've pretty much shared my story so I want to share the things I've learned. I have learned that anyone can be affected by mental illness. I've met a lot of great people in my journey who also have mental illnesses. Some of them are bi-polar, some have schizophrenia, others have depression. People with mental illnesses can achieve anything. We are no different then anyone else. I have a masters degree. Some of my friends also have masters degrees, some are nurses, one of my friends even has a doctorate.
People you see every day, people you work with, people you pass at the store, people at your church may have a mental illness. Its more common then you think. People with mental illnesses do not always stand out in a crowd. The number of people with mental illness who have difficulty functioning and need assistance is actually pretty small compared to those of us who hold jobs, have families or meaningful relationships, and that function along side our peers every day. I know I shared above that I had violent thoughts before I was diagnosed. I have had them since too. When I get extremely manic it is a common problem for me. But I have never acted on it. People with mental illnesses are not generally dangerous. The statistics on violent crimes committed by the mentally ill are actually very low. The mentally ill are more often the victims then the perpetrator.
And there are good things that have come from my diagnosis of Bi-polar. I have accepted a lot of help that I probably needed but wouldn't have sought out or accepted under different circumstances. I have a different outlook on the world. When my patients say they don't want to take their meds I get it. I've been there. When my kids have a hard time focusing I get it. Sometimes I have a hard time focusing still although it is better. I have a greater appreciation for the little things in life. I am easily awed by small things that I don't think I would notice if it wasn't for my different way of perceiving life. I have made friendships with people that at one time I may have judged but now I appreciate our differences and the differences we can make in each others lives.
Is living with bi-polar hard sometimes? Yes. Am I glad I live with bi-polar? Usually yes I am. Do I see bi-polar as a disability or a disease or a disorder? No I don't. My brain works a little differently but that's what makes me me. I actually kind of like my differences. I like the way I see life. Its kind of fun to feel like your on a caffeine high or a good buzz without any of the drugs that normally cause those feelings. Am I different? Maybe but I am proud of who I am.
So I challenge you this week to learn something more about mental illness. Look at reputable web sites to get more info. Email me and ask me any questions that you have about bi-polar or mental illness in general. I worked in the mental health field besides living the life. I'm not saying I know everything, I know very little in fact. But I am always learning and I am willing to research as much as I need to in order to educate others. I want to show my friends and family that having a mental illness doesn't mean you have an illness. You have a uniqueness.
