This blog is very near and dear to my heart. There is a very raw hurt that I express in this blog. However to all of my friends who are celebrating mothers day with their families today know that I love you and am so thankful for the examples you have set for me. Although I have had a few pity parties for myself I do not hold hurtful feelings toward my friends who are blessed with little ones. In fact I am ever so thankful for the opportunities I have had to be part of your lives and part of the lives of your beautiful families.
Yesterday while I was walking from a doctors office back to work I started preparing myself for church. You see this weekend is my least favorite weekend of the whole year to attend church. There are so many parts of this weekend that make it a tough time to attend church. There is of course the awkwardness of the flowers that seem to always be given to mothers at the end of the service. I would prefer not to have a flower given to me. The gesture is very sweet but it seems like a lie to me. The flowers are passed out to the mothers and yet here I am, very much not a mother, carrying a flower out to my car. And it almost feels like a pity gift. "We know that you aren't a mother but we feel bad and don't want to leave you out so here's a flower". I know the intent is good but its just awkward on my end.
Then there is the message itself. The mothers day message is always beautiful however it is tough to listen to someone speak of the blessings and responsibilities of motherhood while I am sitting in my pew feeling the intense stabbing of pain stemming from my empty arms and so many unanswered prayers for motherhood. Most pastors or speakers include a few sentences in their message about all women being nurturers and even if they are not raising children they are making an impact in the lives of children around them. Its a nice gesture but as someone who has sat through several of these services it just feels patronizing.
I realize that this all sounds very bitter and in a way it is. Although I know that I have been able to impact others children and have been able to be a part of nurturing them I don't feel comfort in the fact that this is my "mothering role". And honestly I have had to work for several years to find a place where I can accept that God's plan for my role as a mother will be just as beautiful as the plan I had for myself.
It turned out that this year Jeremy and I did not make it to church for the mothers day service because he hasn't been feeling well and we didn't want to risk him spreading his germs to everyone. But as I was thinking about the pain that I have felt and the long journey that I am still on to accept the plan that He has set for me I realized that this is one of the pains that I need to lay at His feet and rely on Him to comfort and heal my broken heart.
Over the last year or so I have been really working toward having a closer, stronger relationship with Christ and I have learned that His words can be so touching and comforting at times that I feel nothing can comfort me. I wanted to share several of the scripture passages that have been a comfort to me in the past few weeks in a hope that someone who is struggling, even if their struggle is night and day different from mine, would also gain comfort and strength to rely on the Lord for healing of their heart.
Psalm 37:7
Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.
In our study bible the footnote to this verse explains that this is not a call to stop trying and do nothing but rather a call to place our lives in His hands and depend on him for all of our daily needs. I have been touched by this passage because patience isn't my thing. I want results and I want them now. I am working, and learning and stumbling every day and I strive to place my life in his hands and allow him to guide me rather than expecting that he should agree with my plans and lead me down my planned path.
Romans 5:1-5
Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: by whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and eperience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.
Having faith we have peace with God. That is pretty powerful. I am a worrier. I worry about EVERYTHING. But this passage reminds me that I do have peace with God because of my faith in Him and His Son. That does not mean that I won't face trials that have the potential to break me but if I lean on Him those trials will build patience in my life and through these experiences I be able to build hope.
The last scripture that I found as a comfort this weekend is 2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted by God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.
Jesus knows my suffering because my sin and pain caused his pain during the Crucifixion. He and He alone can wrap his arms around me and say "I know exactly what you are going through and how much pain is in your heart." And he alone can make me whole again by wrapping me in his love.
