Please Don't Compliment Me

I want to start this post by saying that this isn't directed toward any certain person or certain event. Please understand that I greatly appreciate the support and encouragement that we receive from our family and friends.  Lately I have been dealing with the following emotions and I really just wanted to express them.  I am certain I am not the only foster parent that has had these feelings and it is my guess that there are people who do other hard jobs that have had similar feelings.  

Over the past several months I have found it hard to deal with compliments.  It often feels like people are going overboard with the things they say regarding our kids.  I know that when someone says "I just don't know how you can be a foster parent.  You guys are amazing" I should be flattered and appreciate that they feel I'm doing a good job.  However most often my thoughts and feelings go something like this:

• Yes being a foster parent is one of my many super powers (notice the dripping sarcasm)
• You have no idea what your talking about.  I've already lost my cool 3 times and its barely 9am
• Would you like to know the secret of how we do it?  There is ample crying, praying, doubting, second guessing, arguing, and lots and lots of serenity prayer reciting.
• Are you kidding?  My child ate dry cereal for breakfast, looks homeless because I didn't have the energy to fight with her to get her hair done, and oh yeah she's wearing mismatched socks because I haven't had time to fold and I literally handed her the first two socks that I found in a basket of wrinkled cloths.
• You realize we are just parents right?  We are the same as any other sleep deprived, stressed out couple with small children.

And the feeling that is the hardest to deal with:

• Please don't call me amazing because when you mention how amazing foster parents are all I can think of is my many faults and how other foster parents probably are amazing and my poor kids drew the short straw and have to put up with me.  

Now don't get me wrong.  I appreciate the fact that people realize what a struggle our situation is.  It is so very hard to parent a child when you are parenting as a "team" with someone from the state who has lots of regulations to up hold, birth parents who are not always cooperative, a judge, CASA worker (who is wonderful but this team is getting crowded), multiple lawyers representing numerous different parties, and all of the helpful people around you who want to tell you how you should parent.  It is nice to hear someone acknowledge that being a foster parent is tough.  Its even nice once in a while to hear someone say, "What your doing for your kids is awesome."  But it is a struggle to hear people praise what I am doing when I feel that I'm barely swimming through this crazy journey.

And there is a crazy irrational thought hidden in all of this.  Years ago I knew of a family that would talk about how they had "saved" the kids they had adopted from foster care.  From my perspective it seemed that they had taken these kids in for the wrong reasons.  They seemed to have done it for the glory (which I have yet to find in this craziness).  After their children were grown I heard that they regretted adopting and I have this crazy irrational fear that if I accept compliments from others that I too will take the glory but in the end regret the children we have cared for and I absolutely don't want that.

I know that this has seemed somewhat whiny because in explaining my struggle with compliments it kind of looks like I hate being a foster mom.  That is not at all true.  I feel very much that God led us to this crazy path and I know that we are on this journey for a reason.  I love my kids and feel blessed to be part of their lives and have them a part of ours.  But its still hard.  Even on days that go well and are meltdown free there are little things to remind me that our situation is different from others.  The moments where the statement MY MOM gets emphasized in an effort to remind me that I am not as good as the original are still difficult to swallow.  So if we are ever talking and you mention our foster journey and my response doesn't seem quite as genuine or appreciative of your praise as it should please understand that it isn't because I don't appreciate what you have said, just know that some day's its hard to feel that what I'm doing is any different than what any other frazzled parent is doing.