***Please read my whole post or none of it. Please don't read a few sentences and make a judgement. This is a very thought out, personal, emotional post for me. I know it will take the whole thing to really get my point across.***
In the past several years, but mainly in the past 3 years, I have done tons of spiritual searching, learning, and changing. I don't ever remember a time in my life where I wasn't very spiritually directed. And since I was 13 or 14 I have also, for a majority of the years between that age and about two years ago, been very spiritually confused, unhappy, and unsure. I believe that spiritualism is different for each person and cannot be defined in a generalized way. I had a friend in high school that I would describe as very spiritual with a strong connection to his higher power. I would guess though that if you asked most people that we went to high school with they would say that he probably didn't have a spiritual side at all. And I attribute this to the cultural idea of what spiritualism should look like. And to be overly stereotypical it should look like a clean cut young man wearing a suit and tie sitting in the front corner pew with about eight other guys that look just like him.
At many times in my life, especially during high school and then again right after graduating from college, I feel that I fell into the cookie cutter idea of spiritual. I was in the Beehive presidency, the Miamaid presidency, and the Laurels presidency (I was president a couple of times, counselor multiple times and I think secretary twice.) Now if you are not familiar with the LDS church these are all positions that can be held by a young woman in the Sunday School system for girls 12-18. I remember being in church related meetings with comments somewhat jokingly made about what a strong spirit I had and that I was a Relief Society president in the making. In fact at one time in our meetings it was normal for other teenagers in the meeting to refer to me as President Samantha and a friend of mine as Future Bishop (name withheld to protect the innocent). Because of the area I grew up in most of my friends were LDS and being a "good LDS kid" was "cool". And even though I had questions and doubts I didn't really entertain any of the doubts because everybody went to church on Sunday, everybody was in Seminary, all of my friends talked about which temple they wanted to get married in, and all my friends made the "what I want in my future husband lists" as part of Young Women's activities and they included traits like returned missionary, eagle scout, honors his priesthood. I found one of these lists that I made recently and a few of the traits I wrote down included "has a mustache", "rides horses", and "wants a whole lot of kids". I sat in Young Women's classes where leaders would say things such as "You need to decide now that you want to get married in the temple. Decide now that you will only marry a man that can take you to the temple and be a priesthood leader in your home." But you want to know a secret? Even at 14 or 15 I would sit there and think to myself that I didn't understand why it was such a big deal. Sure temple marriage seemed important and would of course be nice but in my mind it wasn't a must. I surly didn't care if I married a returned missionary or even a worthy priesthood holder. I remember a particular Sunday where a baby was blessed. The parents of the baby were not active members and the babies grandfather was the one who blessed him. After the blessing the young mother stood to bear her testimony and stated how grateful she was to have a dad that could bless her baby. The after church conversation included "how sad" it was that this woman had to be thankful that her dad could bless the baby because it "should have been" the babies father performing the blessing. And I'm fairly certain there was a comment about this being one of the reasons that it is so important for my sisters and I to look for "worthy" mates. But I remember telling my mom that I could see me being just like this young mother from church. "I don't think it would be so bad to be thankful that dad could bless my babies. My husband doesn't have to be able to do it." I'm sure that comment made my mom freak out on the inside, and probably on the outside a little bit too. The point is that this wasn't a weird thought for me. I didn't see the importance in following all the rules of the church and having the picture perfect LDS life complete with primary calling, 5 kids and a Suburban. I wanted my relationship with God as being slightly different. The problem though became that I was living in a world where I didn't really get the idea that having a "slightly different" relationship with God was possible.
When I was in college I began exploring spiritual options. And I explored some very diverse options. I attended several different denominational services including Catholic where I'm fairly certain I almost got my friend and I kicked out after leaning over to him and whispering "stand up, sit down, fight fight fight" with his response being a fairly loud snort and giggle. I attended a Lutheran service, I looked into Native American spiritual practices, attempted some yoga/mindfulness techniques to connect to the spiritual world, and attended a Methodist service. Long story short I did not feel spiritually fulfilled in the LDS church and I was sure there was something I was missing. Sadly I ended up resigning myself to the idea that because of my sins I could not feel spiritually fulfilled. I actually thought that I had screwed up so much that Jesus would never be able to fully love me. I tried reading the scriptures to become more connected and to build my faith but honestly it never helped. I didn't understand most of the bible and the Book of Mormon didn't make much sense either.
So I graduated from college and got my first "real" job. I had no friends there so I went to church because I figured a ward (more specifically a Relief Society) is just 20 or so pre-made friends. And I really thought that I could use the "fake it till you make it" approach to my spiritual life and relationship with God. And I tried this approach for several years.
Since we have move to Blackfoot in 2012 I wasn't attending any churches. And I will be honest with you I had more or less given up. I hadn't actively attended the LDS church in over a year. I had attended a few services in Wyoming and a few here but I didn't find anything where I felt that I had any better of a spiritual experience than I could have sitting on my couch at home watching an uplifting movie. I know this sounds pretty bad but that was where I had settled spiritually. After having church leaders tell me that I was being punished for mistakes I had made and having one leader tell me that I would never find spiritual happiness if I was married to Jeremy I had pretty much given up. I knew I could not associate myself with a church that believed that Jesus would take away blessings just because I had made some mistakes but I also couldn't find any other churches where I felt any love from Jesus. So I gave up.
Now enter Jeremy's job. He started working at Cal-Ranch shortly after we moved here. So one day this guy comes in and needs help finding a new water trough for his horses. Jeremy being the good employee and social butterfly that he is he helped this gentleman with his need and struck up a conversation. They discussed that this gentleman (who I now know as Pastor Dave) and his wife had recently moved to this area from a Carolina (I feel really bad but I can't remember which one). Jeremy told him that we had recently come here from Wyoming. Then he asked Pastor Dave what brought him and his wife to Idaho. He told Jeremy that he was a pastor and they had come out here to help plant cowboy churches. Knowing that I wanted to find a church Jeremy got more info.
He called me on his lunch, gave me the info, and told me that I was invited to attend church that night at 1900. And on a whim I went. And I liked it. There was a great message and some really good country gospel music like my Grandpa Al enjoys.
But here's the thing. I still had that issue with not being sure if Jesus even liked me. So it was quite a while before I ever went back.
I'm gonna skip a whole lot of the middle at this point. But the story is a good one. Because eventually Jeremy and I started going to cowboy church services together and we started attending fairly regularly. We were baptized as followers of Christ on October 4th of 2014. Our baptisms took place at an arena and we were baptized in a horse trough, by Pastor Dave, which I think is very fitting. And I am happy to say that although I have so much room to grow, I have a personal relationship with my Savior Lord Jesus that is better then my relationship with Him has ever been. And Jeremy and I are consistently working to have a marriage that is more centered on God and Christ like love for each other.
But the point of all this (and I was much longer winded then I intended to be) is that I am a Christian. I am not a Mormon, or a Baptist, or a Catholic, or anything specifically denominational. But I am a Christian, I am one of Gods children. And being one of His children, and being part of the family of Christ is everything. It (should and usually does) define me and the decisions I make. Being a follower of Christ helps to form the decisions I make, the actions I take, and the way I conduct myself. But I tell people that I am "just" a Christian because even though being a Christian is at the core of who I am I want people to know that Christ is my Savior and I follow him and where I worship and who I worship with is not the pivot point of my faith.
For my friends who do identify themselves with a specific religion no matter what that religion is I think that is great and I have no problem with denomination specific faith. For me the "religion" part of my faith isn't important but I respect that for many people it is important and it strengthens them spiritually and bolsters their faith, and I think that is great. I don't have a problem with any religion and this is not meant to be taken in that way. This is my faith story, this is something that has been on my heart recently and something that I felt I needed to get written down and share.
