Praying for "her"

²⁷ “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, ²⁸ bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. ²⁹ If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. ³⁰ Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. ³¹ Do to others as you would have them do to you." -Luke 6:27-31 NIV

One night at PRIDE training we were discussing family of origin and how to talk about a child's family. One of the experienced foster parents talked about never saying anything negative about a child's family.  She gave examples of children who asked her specifically, "Do you hate my mom?" She gave examples of answers to the question such as, "No I don't hate your mom.  She has made some bad choices that I don't like but she has done good things too.  She brought you into the world."  Or, "I'm thankful for your mom because without her I wouldn't have you."  I sat through this class wondering how I could ever look at a child who has come into my home because of his/her parents bad choices and say "no I don't hate your mom."  All I could think of is how hard it would be not to say things like "your mom is terrible and does stupid things and yes I hate her."  Ever since we took PRIDE I have struggled with this idea.  How could I ever watch my tongue and not degrade the family that has abused/neglected/traumatized the child in my care.

So fast forward a few months.  We have taken in two sets of respite care children whom we had in our home for just a weekend.  Other than the fact that both weekends were pure chaos it was pretty easy.  The respite kids come from other foster homes so you never really deal with birth families or any court/appointment/visit issues.  Its just an extended sleep over. 

Then last week we got our first "real" placement.  Obviously I have to be pretty vague about the details but we had two children placed in our care fairly late at night after their mom was arrested.  That first night we had almost no information and were lead to believe that we would only have them in our home for a few days.  But as the first few days progressed we began to learn that we will likely have these children in our home for a little more than a "few" days.  The first night that we sat down together for dinner we joined in prayer.  This is normal for us but obviously wasn't super normal for the little people. As we bowed our heads, holding hands for the first time as a family I began to pray.  It is not very often that I feel a prayer come from the depths of my soul but this prayer certainly did.  I thanked God for the children being in our home.  I prayed that we would all get along well and be able to help each other on our journey.  And then something made its way into my prayer that surprised me even as I was saying it.  I prayed for their mom.  I prayed that God would comfort her and that He would assure her that her children were safe and well cared for.  I prayed that He would bring peace and comfort to her heart.  Through and through that was the prayer of my heart.  I genuinely wanted God to do all of those things for her.  This woman whom I had never met, who's story I barely knew aside from knowing of some bad choices she had made, was suddenly taking up a place in my heart. 

Just a few days after the kids were placed with us I took them to a hearing.  And I met their mom.  That was another thing I said I didn't think I could ever do.  They talk about meeting birth families in PRIDE training and I said multiple times that I wasn't comfortable meeting the child's family and I told Jeremy that when kids in our care had visits or appointments involving their parents we would just ask the social worker to take the child.  But I knew from the moment that we knew about the hearing that I needed to take the kids.  God calmed my heart and I never once, leading up to the hearing, had doubts about meeting their mom.

As a quick side note, if you ever have a court hearing to attend and plan to have small children with you, arriving 20 minutes early with limited ways to entertain the children is not a great idea.  I now know though that the clerk for Judge Murray can give some pretty nasty looks.

Once the hearing got started I sat back in the "audience" section.  (I've never actually been in a court room for a real court proceeding so I didn't have a clue what was going to happen.)  Every thing was pretty short and sweet and in total it probably only lasted 15 or 20 minutes.  Through the entire proceeding though I had to hold back tears and some pretty strong emotions.  These weren't tears for me, and they weren't even tears for the very bewildered 5 year old sitting a few rows ahead of me.  These were tears and sadness for this mother in front of me.  This mother who, despite making some terrible decisions, obviously loved her children.  This mother who had tears streaming down her face as she told the judge that she understood that the children were in my home because it was the safest place for them.  This mother who couldn't hide the guilt or pain on her face when her 5 year old began asking questions that seemed impossible to answer.  This mother who held so tightly to her two children when she was told to give them one last hug because she had to return to the jail.  My heart genuinely was breaking for her and the pain that was so visibly reflected in her entire person.  And my heart broke for her two sweet babies who had questions that I didn't know how to answer any better than she did.  And my heart has continued to break as we have fielded questions of "where is my mommy", "when can I see my mommy" and the comments of "I'll just go get arrested so I can live with my mom" and "I love MY mom". 

We continue to pray for her every night with the kids at dinner.  I pray for her in my personal prayers and in our prayers as a couple she is included.  There are moments where I still want to say negative things.  There are times when I have very negative thoughts against this mother who has made decisions that boggle my mind.  There are times where I have very selfish thoughts about these children in my home and what "I think" would be best for them.  But so far I have been able to find my way back to that place where I am praying for her.

I am so thankful to God for bringing me to a place where I have been able to be open to His guidance and able to feel for this other woman that I assumed I would hate.  I am also so thankful to Him for bringing children into our home that came from a situation that I am able to "handle" on my own personal level.  I can't lie to myself.  I know that if these children had been removed for other reasons or if they had come into our home with other problems I may not have been able to follow the promptings He has laid on my heart allowing me to feel this way.